It’s the annual BA IT meltdown event

Friday 9 August 2019 @ 8:48 pm

Another day, another IT meltdown at British Airways causing problems for travellers all over the world. Nothing new, this is exactly what you get when you outsource jobs to India in the name of “cost cutting”; Cheap, incompetent, clueless, script-reading drones who can barely string a sentence together.

Still, this is to be expected when you have the likes of Alex Cruz in charge of BA. Cruz used to run budget Spanish airline Vueling and seems to think he can use the same approach with BA. No surprise then that since he took over British Airways, it’s become Bloody Awful. Cruz was told repeatedly that outsourcing the IT systems and relying on Indian “expertise” would lead to outages and system downtime but didn’t listen. The board should have sacked his useless behind long ago but as usual, all they care about is the share price, dividends and to hell with the customers.

And when Cruz finally does get the sack, it’ll be the usual merry-go-round of safe jobs for the boys where incompetant spivs like Cruz leave with a golden goodbye and are simply parachuted into the next cushy number with a golden hello. Welcome to Club World where every failure is rewarded.

Pathetic Britian grinds to a halt under meagre snowfall

Sunday 20 January 2013 @ 8:13 pm

As I remarked 2 years ago in this post here, it only takes a few days of meagre snowfall for Britain to grind to a halt. Year after year after year we have the same excuses trotted out and the same level of incompetence proudly on show for the whole world to make a mockery of.

Everything I commented on back in 2010 has been repeated again in the last few days; trains cancelled, flights grounded, not enough gritters, businesses closed, dire warnings to stock up as if the apolocapyse is upon and a motley collection of pompous useless freeloading Government officials and local council officials out in force to lecture us all about the dangers of venturing outside.

Cameron orders Ministers to take public transport for Olympics jollies

Friday 20 July 2012 @ 12:36 pm

David Cameron, erstwhile EU loving PM and professional turncoat Tory, has ordered Ministers to take the Tube when travelling to the Olympics instead of using their chauffeur driven tax-payer funded limos via the Soviet Zil lanes.

This has been met with the predictable wailing and bleating of Ministers furious of having to use the Underground with the peasants they so loathe that pay their wages. Senior Tories have whined about representing the Government on “official business” (i.e. schmoozing and brown nosing businesses to fund the next Tory electoral campaign) and declared they’d rather stay at home than share a seat on the Jubilee line with the hoi polloi despite having the best tickets in town generously bought by the Government using taxpayer money.

As Cameron and Boy George constantly remind us, we’re all in this together, especially if you’re an MP gorging from the pig trough at Westminster.

Welcome to the laughing stock UK Olympics

Saturday 14 July 2012 @ 8:58 pm

Welcome to the 2012 Olympics being held here in the UK. Our level of incompetence in holding such an overblown, overrated, waste-of-money event is matched only by the level of utter contempt and wholesale unenthusiasm that Brits hold for having the wretched games foisted upon us by a thieving money grabbing elite riddled with cronyism. An extra special mention to our expense fiddling scamming politicians who grossly underestimated the bid meaning the final bill has ballooned from the original £4 billion to £11 billion.

Nevertheless, we look forward to athletes from across the globe taking part in one of the most corrupt, money making and pointless spectacles in the world where sporting prowess plays third and fourth fiddle to the more important business of ripping people off and making money for official sponsors. And we especially welcome our IOC (International Olympics Committee) Mollusc Olympian Overlords for the sheer contempt and disgust they hold for ordinary folk daring to question the serious business of making the IOC members rich.

When you land at third world Heathrow Airport, our warm welcome extends to keeping you waiting for a minimum of two hours to pass through border security. This is on account of our stupid, expense fiddling politicians having cut UK Border Agency staff to the bone. However, should you wish to be whisked through with any delay, please claim asylum where you will be eagerly directed to the nearest benefits centre and a bump to the top of the housing list. In the meantime, please take full advantage of our decrepit National Health Service, it is here for the whole world to use for free.

Once you leave the airport, a plethora of buses and trains are waiting to rip you off with sky high prices and a mediocre service that seldom adheres to a timetable. Should you wish to use a car, the authorities have helpfully blocked off large parts of London to create gridlock and herd the peasants into single lane roads. Hence, there are plenty of route closures, new no right/left turns, suspended pedestrian crossings, traffic flow direction on one way roads reversed, contraflows and altered traffic light phasing to stop traffic getting anywhere near Olympic routes.

A network of CCTV covers the worlds most spied upon country and special Zil lanes have been created for Olympics VIP’s to whisk self-important sponsors, business backscratchers, MP’s, lickspittles and cronies to and from the venue in chauffeur driven BMW’s. Do not be surprised if the traffic lights remain red for eternity to create gridlock whilst miraculously turning green for the Zil lanes, this has been expressly designed to ensure you don’t go anywhere so that corrupt IOC members who are in a hurry to get back to their 5-star taxpayer funded hotel suites to dine on caviar and champagne do not get held up. However, please do feel free to try and use the Zil lanes, there’s a £130 fine that will be shoved directly into the pocket of some grinning idiot in LOCOG (London Organising Committee of the Olympic Games) but the rest of London will cheer you to the echo for sticking two fingers up at the robbing Gestapo bastards.

Upon arrival at the official stadium, a stream of bureaucratic overbearing Olympics nonsense is ready and waiting to wash over you like a visit from the Soviet Politburo. It’s already been declared that chips can’t be sold by anyone apart from official sponsor McDonalds and that you can’t take your own bottled water or food inside the Olympic stadium. However, picnic hampers are available from the official picnic hamper supplier camped outside who will be glad to offer a range of measly sandwich options excitingly priced from 40 quid upwards.

Security for this pointless grubby event is supplied courtesy of G4S, a bunch of incompetent, incapable, inadequate brainless monkeys led by leering clueless inbred chief executive Nick Buckles who is on a £1.4 million annual package. Several MP’s, including hapless Home Secretary Theresa May, have a vested financial interest in G4S which is why the company has been awarded the contract. Rest assured, G4S has promised to not recruit enough suitable candidates or bother vetting potential applicants so you can expect a bunch of grunting ignorant chav yobs manning the gates accompanied by an assortment of eager suicide bombers and terrorists who not so much as slipped through the net as they did walk through the open door of G4S’ laughably inept non-existant security checks. Semi-coherent English language skills will be a minor bonus although should not be assumed by any means.

Once the Olympics is over, and 2 weeks can’t arrive soon enough, we expect a significant proportion of visitors, athletes and spectators alike, to remain in Britain outstaying their visa, especially from the grasping African countries and Indian sub-continent. Once again, playing the asylum card will work wonders but you can also just disappear into the economy since the Border Agency won’t bother to try and track you down for deportation. Everyone’s welcome in benefits Britain so come on in, the water’s lovely.

Meanwhile, the locals will be left to pick up the bill for the entire shitty event whilst the bent Olympics committee begins the whole sorry affair again by trying to hoodwink another gormless country into staging a spectacle that should have been paid for and staged by the bloody Greeks.

We hope you enjoy your stay in the UK, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Welcome to pathetic third world Britain

Tuesday 1 May 2012 @ 5:28 pm

Heathrow Airport has long been the type of embarrassing dump that shows visitors and tourists exactly what to expect from Britain. The laughably inept UK Border Agency, when not busy waiving through the worlds supply of asylum seekers, immigrants, drug dealers, rapists, thugs, paedophiles and other assorted scum of society, is only too pleased to have a single immigration desk open out of more than a dozen to ensure the hundreds of other legitimate travellers are kept waiting for hours on end.

And it’s not just the non-EU countries either, Brits and Europeans are also being forced to wait in the immigration hall as queues snake all the way back to the plane terminal. Meanwhile, the fast track automated machines remain idle because the kit doesn’t work and nobody can be bothered to get them fixed.

It’s absolutely pathetic and further cements Heathrow’s well deserved reputation as the dumpiest, crappiest, most run-down main terminal airport in the West. No wonder everyone avoids it as much as possible and choose to make their connections on mainland Europe where they can expect efficiency and fast connection times as well as more direct routes to China.

Of course, this should come as no surprise to anyone who has dealt with Spanish owned BAA that has responsibility for Heathrow. As one of the world’s busiest airports, Heathrow has long been a cashcow for the lazy bastard Spaniards who run Ferrovial, the parent company which has huge debts. They have absolutely no financial incentive to improve facilities there when they can just simply take the money out to plump up the balance sheet which is why Heathrow remains the third world dump of an airport it is with sky high charges for everything.

As for the UK Border Agency, this is one of the most poisonous of Labour’s many failed legacies. An unfit-for-purpose outfit run by a dickhead who deliberately relaxed immigration rules to let in thousands of illegals, it recently cut 10% of its workforce at a time when uproar and complaints about delays are at an all-time high. And the Government’s response to this? Blame the delays on the weather!

Yes that’s right, scamming lying turncoat Tory David Cameron thinks people are complete idiots and will believe this old pony. It just goes to show how completely and utterly deluded the man is and not fit to hand out free newspapers let alone him and his rich chums flushing the country further down the toilet.

Why does my paper train ticket stop working?

Sunday 1 April 2012 @ 7:23 pm

For anyone not stupid enough to have been suckered into buying a scamming robbing Oyster card, the only alternative is a paper train ticket. However, have you ever wondered why these paper tickets seem to stop working at the automated barriers?

You know the drill; you insert the paper ticket and get the dreaded “Seek Assistance” message. You try again and get the same message, the back of your neck now burning from the huge queue that has built up behind you with suspicion that you’re a fare dodger. At length, annoyed by the constant tutting and exasperated noises of people who think you’re an idiot for not knowing how to use a paper train ticket, you clump off to find a uniformed official to let you through the barriers.

The reason your paper train ticket has stopped working is simply because you’ve kept it somewhere near your mobile phone. The paper tickets have a magnetic stripe on the back that is affected by all manner of electromagnetic fields and even after just a few hours, can render said ticket stone cold dead.

The solution therefore is obvious. Keep it away from your moby and quickly sail through those automated barriers at ease whilst clueless mugs with Oyster cards continue to be scammed, tracked and robbed blind by London Transport.

Random Annoyances: Canary Wharf

Wednesday 14 March 2012 @ 12:40 pm

London has its fair share of prime real estate locations for companies to choose from but few sites are as stupidly located as Canary Wharf.

Now the actual place itself is very nice; clean, modern, bustling, with tall buildings and a definite air of international business, a real rival to Wall Street and the City. The problem is not so much Canary Wharf itself but getting to the damn site which is woefully served by London’s feeble, decrepit and overpriced public transport service.

Whilst the DLR is reliable enough for those living in East London or south of the Thames, the sole option for anyone coming into London Bridge or Waterloo, or travelling in from North London, is the rubbish Jubilee Line that’s about as reliable as a Nigerian bank account. It’ll be even worse when hoard’s of tourists descend upon London in summer to watch the crappy Olympics that nobody wants.

Commercial rents in Canary Wharf are now comparable to the City but that hasn’t stopped the likes of Barclays, Citibank, Morgan Stanley and HSBC pitching their headquarters on the Isle of Dogs. As a result, these businesses have a much harder time recruiting than others that are more sensibly located in the City simply because nobody wants to spend a 2 hour commute fighting their way to Canary Cack, a rubbish location that appeals solely to the cast of The Only Way Is Essex.

Random Annoyances: Buses & Bus Lanes

Tuesday 20 December 2011 @ 11:35 am

If you’ve ever been stuck in a city traffic jam, chances are the cause of it will most likely be a bus. These lumbering, dull witted, cramped vehicles running on the devil’s brew are responsible for most jams I’ve seen in central London.

Inevitably, you tend to find several of them lined up like some refugee column at a soup kitchen where they stretch for hundreds of yards clogging up the roads and forcing motorists to either wait behind or edge past. The worst culprits go even further and block busy junctions and exit routes safe in the knowledge that they’ll never be fined.

And let’s not forget the manner in which buses push into queues of traffic seemingly thinking they own the roads. Not that there’s much of the roads to own these days since councils starting wasting huge amounts of taxpayers money on useless bus lanes.

Just what useful purpose do these useless bus lanes serve? They don’t speed up bus journeys because buses have to stop every few hundred yards meaning anything behind has to wait for it to move off. Meanwhile, other vehicles are slowed to a crawl being forced to share a single lane whilst traffic lights are prioritised in favour of buses penalising other motorists with a 5 second window to inch forward a few yards.

Why should buses be given priority to arrive on time at the expense of everyone else? Seriously, who can honestly say they have ever seen a bus adhere to a published timetable? This madness and obsession with buses must stop and successive mayors seem to be obsessed with the damn things.

Note to Boris and Ken, quit banging on about investment in buses and use the money to improve the Tube.

Road accidents drop in UAE during BlackBerry outage

Tuesday 18 October 2011 @ 2:52 pm

In news that will surprise nobody who has visited the United Arab Emirates, it has been revealed that during the BlackBerry outage, road accidents in Dubai dropped by 20% whilst neighbouring Abu Dhabi recorded an even more dramatic fall of 40%.

This is to be wholly expected; by and large the local Emirati’s are a bunch of brainless Bedouin buttheads who would have a hard time steering a plodding camel let alone be trusted at the wheels of a dangerous automobile. However, they only make up a tiny minority of the population, especially in Dubai where the majority comprises tax-dodgers, drug dealers, money launderers, pimps, Russian hookers, grasping Indians, alcoholic Arabs, scamming property spivs and other assorted rabble out to make a fast buck in the seamy underworld of Deira.

The UAE used to have some of the most dangerous roads in the world and it’s not difficult to see why. Drive down the Sheikh Zayed Road at any time and you will often be immediately tailgated by some gormless grinning dickhead in a dish-dash driving with one hand firmly clamped to a phone whilst the other is used to pump the horn.

There are laws against driving whilst using a mobile in the UAE but these are largely ignored, much like the wholesale drug dealing and prostitution which the authorities are only too eager to turn a blind eye towards. Make no mistake; Dubai is the sleaze capital of the Middle East and as superficial as the make-up that’s slapped on with a butter knife by the women there.

It wouldn’t be a bad idea for Etisalat to introduce a permanent daily outage on BlackBerry devices to further reduce road accidents. Mind you, with the crap service that Etisalat provides, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they’d already done this unintentionally.

Random Annoyances: Obscured Tube Departure Boards

Friday 16 September 2011 @ 4:31 pm

Every Tube platform has a departure board telling you when the next train is due and its destination. Why on earth then, have the stupid useless Underground bosses insisted on placing those damn bulbous advert projectors right in front of the screens to hide the information? No longer can you see the departure board from anywhere on the platform, you have to shuffle up right next to the bloody thing just to find out when the next train is due. Or more likely, by how many minutes it’s been delayed.

Nobody needs adverts on the Tube, we are all busy either ignoring hoodies, doing sudoku, annoying others with our shit music on our cheap tinny earphones, elbowing our way onto a carriage or ogling the talent sitting on the seat opposite. Live adverts are a waste of money, space and money, especially on the Tube where nobody pays attention and where billboards are infinitely preferable.

Oh for a crowbar to pull these big heavy ugly ad projectors down and chuck them at the beancounter who though it was a good idea to place them right in front of the departure boards!