Mini Movie Review: Wonder Woman (2017)

Monday 28 August 2017 @ 10:33 pm

Amazon princess Diana leaves her tranquil island of Themyscira, home of the Amazonian race of warrior women created by Zeus, and joins US pilot and Allied spy, Steve Trevor, to fight against the Germans who are developing a lethal type of gas to win the war. Diana believes that only she can bring an end to the war by finding and killing Ares, the God of War, who despises mankind and is intent on wiping them out for good.

In short, there are four things wrong with this movie.

Firstly, Gal Gadot is too sexy and comes across as a little dim naive. She’s hot, beautiful, has a body built for sin the catwalk but, as a kick-ass warrior princess, about as believable as a lingerie model advertising burgers. This isn’t a criticism of Gal, I like her lots, but she just doesn’t have the build for this part and is the type of woman who could turn you on whilst wearing a burka with a gas mask. The coy glances and seductive smiles peppered throughout the movie don’t help and neither does the sexy foreign accent. I’m not saying a woman can’t be sexy and aggressive (Linda Fiorentino nailed it in The Last Seduction) but Gal Gadot was so much stronger and intelligent in Batman v Superman.

Secondly, Diana’s weapons are all pretty lame; a lasso of truth which is as naff as it sounds; a pair of gauntlets which can deflect all manner of bullets conveniently fired at head height; a standard issue super hero shield which Captain America won’t be losing any sleep over; and an elaborate sword that looks like it was borrowed from the 1960’s Sinbad movies. Granted, her abilities are super cool and the fighting scenes are awesome when Diana gets to kick ass but these are all too fleeting and brief.

Thirdly, Chris Pine as Steve Trevor comes across as a typical smug know-it-all American and is horribly miscast. The last time such a hackneyed clichéd version of a smarmy US Air Pilot was on-screen, he was feeling the need for speed and playing volleyball with a bunch of other buff guys pretending to be straight. A drop dead gorgeous Amazonian warrior princess and a male model look-a-like pilot in World War I? I don’t buy it.

Lastly, the movie is too long and the fundamental issue of love conquering everything is a proper cop out. I actually groaned out loud when I heard some of the atrocious dialogue. Gal deserves better than this.

Another way of looking at this film is that the Wonder Woman portrayed in Batman v Superman is a hundred times more entertaining in less than a quarter of the on-screen time than the full 2+ hours of this movie. I mentioned in a previous blog that the DC Universe is no match for Marvel and on the basis of this flick, nothing’s changed. Roll on the next Batman movie.

Score: 2/5


Mini Movie Review: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Tuesday 17 May 2016 @ 9:29 pm

Following on from the rather dull Man of Steel, public opinion is divided as to whether Superman is a good guy or a threat to all. Batman however has no such qualms and is determined to get rid of Supe once and for all after the Man of Steel demolished Metropolis whilst battling General Zod. Meanwhile, Lex Luther has found some kryptonite as well as a Kryptonite ship and wastes no time in setting the two up for an epic fight and unleashing a seemingly invincible monster engineered from General Zod’s DNA. Wonder Woman pops up to both beguile and befriend the two superheroes whilst the other nobody’s who form the Justice League also fleetingly appear, The Flash as a tramp for some inexplicable reason, as a prelude to the next movie.

Batman v Superman has been unfairly panned I reckon. Sure, it’s not a great movie but it’s a good movie. Ben Affleck is suitably grizzled as a much tougher and more brutal Batman and Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman is excellent. Some of the supporting characters are good too, Perry White in particular. However, there are two big elephants in the casting room; Jesse Eisenberg as a terrible spoiled rich kid Luthor who is all edgy nervous tics and trying too hard to be cool. He’s no evil genius, that’s for sure. Then there’s Amy Adams who is horribly miscast as Lois Lane and pretty much responsible for fucking everything up at the end. Teri Hatcher’s Lois Lane is smart, sexy and sassy whereas Any Adams is about as sharp as a wooden spoon.

The whole movie is a gloomy, ponderous affair, full of moody lighting and devoid of humour. The Marvel movies have the right mix but Batman v Superman takes itself too seriously and you just long for the odd wisecrack. The plot is muddled too with dream sequences and scrappy bits left unexplained. Oh, and the end battle is a bit naff, I couldn’t tell what the hell was going on and the monster looks exactly like a Cave Troll from LOTR.

Despite all that though, it’s still a good movie, very watchable in its own right but I can’t say I’m looking forward to the useless Justice League. With the exception of Batman and Superman, and Wonder Woman purely because of Gal Gadot’s portrayal, there isn’t a single interesting or redeeming character to rival even third rate Marvel superheroes.

Score: 3/5

Mini Movie Review: London Has Fallen (2016)

Thursday 12 May 2016 @ 6:59 pm

Secret Agent Mike Banning returns as Head of the US Presidential Protection Detail. A funeral in London for the Prime Minister gathers all the heads of state who are a prime target for Aamir Barkawi, a Pakistani arms dealer and terrorist. When Barkawi ambushes the party, and picks off the US Security Services, it’s left to Banning to protect the US President at all costs.

Screw the so called critics, this is terrific entertainment and a great action movie. Is it better than Olympus Has Fallen? Yes, most definitely. There’s more action, everything is on a bigger scale and even some of the more dodgy CGI bits can be overlooked in favour of the plot that moves along briskly. One bit in particular, when Banning and the Special Forces mount an assault on a suburban terrorist base, is excellent and filmed in the style of a video game with a single panning shot that follows Banning around as he ducks and weaves past enemy fire.

Banning and the POTUS spend more time together here unlike in the previous movie and an added bonus is that it’s set in London which is not the natural choice for action films so it’s great to see recognisable landmarks. A solid by-the-numbers action flick then and if you enjoyed Olympus Has Fallen, this is more of the same but much better.

Score: 5/5

Ferris Bueller is a dick

Saturday 15 August 2015 @ 11:32 pm

One of the most popular comedy films from the 1980’s is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where Ferris decides to bunk off school and take his best friend’s dad’s prize car for a spin. Am I the only one who finds Ferris a complete twat? No matter how many times I’ve seen the movie, he’s still the kind of irritating slacker that everyone hated at school and let me tell you, if he tried to pull a stunt like nicking my dad’s Ferrari, I’d kick the shit out of him.

Ten great comedy films from the 80’s

Friday 18 July 2014 @ 11:15 pm

It seems like they just don’t make great comedy films any more. By this, I mean genuinely funny movies that are as good now as they were back in the 80’s and which you could watch again and again. Most of the rubbish they churn out these days sacrifices laughs for crudity or gross-out humour, neither of which stands the test of time.

So, with plenty of great films to choose from, here are my 10 favourite comedy movies from the 80’s.

Airplane! (1980)/Airplane II (1982)

Ted Striker (Robert Hays) saves the day when the passengers on an airplane, including the pilots, fall ill from food poisoning. The sequel, Airplane II, has a similar plot only this time Ted Striker is aboard the Mayflower One, a commercial lunar shuttle on its maiden voyage that goes awry when the in-flight computer malfunctions.

What makes both of these a pair of fantastically funny movies is that everyone plays it deadpan straight and they’re absolutely rammed with both visual and verbal gags. If you miss one, there’s another along in half a minute with plenty of scenes having something hilarious going on in the background. As parodies of umpteen disaster movies, they also expertly nail all the clichés. The sequel reprises most of the cast and is even better with a great comedic turn by William Shatner as Buck Murdoch.

Stir Crazy (1980)

Skip Donohue (Gene Wilder) and Harry Monroe (Richard Pryor) are two out-of-work friends who, after being fired from their jobs in New York, head for Hollywood. En route, they are wrongly convicted of a bank robbery and end up in the slammer from where they plan to escape during a prison rodeo.

This is the second movie of four starring both Wilder and Pryor and their best I reckon, with the interaction and chemistry between the two serving up much of the comedy as they adjust to prison life, a corrupt warden and a collection of motley inmates.

Trading Places (1983)

The uber rich Duke brothers hatch a social experiment plot to see if they can turn their managing director, Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd), to a life of crime and poverty whilst at the same time taking a poor street hustler, Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy), and making him a successful and rich commodities broker.

This is my most favourite comedy film of the 80’s and I’ve watched it so many times that, like most of my favourite movies, can pretty much quote the whole thing. It’s not just the sharp script, witty dialogue and comedy timing between the stellar cast but also the fab soundtrack that veers between classical music (The Marriage Of Figaro) and funk. The trading parts are also great and you’ll never look at OJ futures in the same way again.

Police Academy (1984)

When the doors are thrown open to let anyone become a cop, a group of misfits join the Police Academy and are assigned to D Squad, (the D stands for Dirtbags). With the Chief lamenting that when he joined the force “every cadet was the right weight, the right height, the right colour and they all had johnsons”, the academy staff do their best to force the cadets to quit.

Forget the rubbish sequels after part 2, the original is still the best and a damn funny movie. With so many diverse characters, everyone will have their favourites (mine’s Tackleberry!) with most of the laughs derived from the pranks played by D Squad on Lieutenant Harris and his two cadet stooges.

Ruthless People (1986)

Sleazy millionaire Sam Stone plans to murder his wife Barbara but before he can execute his dastardly plan, Barbara is kidnapped and a ransom demanded. Unwilling to pay the ransom and with the hapless but kindly kidnappers prone to drop the price so they can get rid of Barbara, Sam’s mistress and her lover soon become embroiled in the plot along with the Chief of Police who unwittingly finds himself the star of an amateur video.

This is a hilarious, often overlooked film full of back-stabbing double-dealing charlatans all held together by the wonderful performance of Danny DeVito as Sam Stone. The humour is derived from the plot rather than the script with everyone out to scam everyone else which doesn’t always work out well for the kidnappers who are about as ruthless as a rubber duck.

Three Amigos (1986)

Dusty Bottoms (Chevy Chase), Lucky Day (Steve Martin) and Ned Nederlander (Martin Short) are the Amigos, three stars of the silent screen who in the movies always end up beating the bad guys and saving the village folk. When real life villain El Guapo (Alfonso Arau) takes over a small Mexican town, one of the residents sends a telegram to the Amigos asking for help. The Amigos, thinking it’s a lucrative new movie opportunity accept and unwittingly take on El Guapo and his gang.

A gloriously silly movie with a cast at the peak of their game. There are plenty of absurd moments and despite the different personalities of the Amigos, they’re all equally clueless when it comes to dealing with real life villains.

Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)

Uptight marketing executive Neil Page (Steve Martin) is in New York on a business trip and trying his best to get home to Chicago on the eve of Thanksgiving. Reluctantly teaming up with nice guy Del Griffith (John Candy), a travelling shower curtain ring salesman with annoying habits, after the flight and then the train to Chicago is cancelled, the two set off to try and get Neil home in time for Thanksgiving dinner.

A wonderful comedy about two guys who really don’t get on but learn to muddle through together. Although this is a comedy, it’s equal parts road movie and buddy movie with an ending that hits all the right notes. I reckon both Steve Martin and John Candy have never bettered their roles here and it’s tragic that a decent DVD with all the alleged hours of deleted scenes has never been released.

Coming To America (1988)

Prince Akeem Joffer (Eddie Murphy), together with his best friend Semmi (Arsenio Hall) heads to America to find his bride. Determined to find a woman who loves him for who he is rather than what he is, the two pretend to be a poor foreign students and take up a low paid job in a local burger bar where the Prince falls in love with the daughter of the proprieter.

This is a marvellously funny movie with both Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall playing several other comedy characters. The laughs are based mainly around the Prince and his best friend as they do their best to fit in with the locals including a slum landlord, jealous boyfriend and a trio of barbers who love nothing more than talking about boxing. There’s a wonderful cameo scene as Prince Akeem helps a couple of tramps who turn out to be two down-on-their luck commodities brokers.

The Naked Gun (1988)

Lieutenant Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) of Police Squad is tasked with investigating a drugs bust that went wrong and put his friend (OJ Simpson) in hospital. The trail leads to the sinister Vincent Ludwig (Ricardo Montalbán) and his glamorous assistant Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley). Meanwhile Police Squad are put in charge of security for a visit by Queen Elizabeth II and it’s not long before Drebin puts the two together to foil an assassination attempt.

Nobody does deadpan better than Leslie Nielsen and this is a fitfully funny movie that, like Airplane!, is just stuffed with rapid fire slapstick. A lot of the gags are lifted from the series Police Squad upon which the movie is based (and also starred Leslie Nielsen) but this no bad thing, especially since the series never got a huge airing, at least here in the UK. If you like Airplane! this is a must see and if you haven’t, this is even more of a must see.

The Burbs (1989)

Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks) lives in a normal suburb with his wife and kids and whilst mooching around the house on vacation, begins to obsess about who his strange new neighbours, the Klopeks, really are. Enlisting the help of his other neighbours, the paranoid Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun) and military enthusiast Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern), the trio begin to spy on the Klopeks in an attempt to discover what is really going on in their house.

A perfect example of a film that is just wildly entertaining, I never tire of watching The Burbs. The humour is very much situation driven and what makes this funny is that you recognise the characters in the neighbourhood and the seemingly humdrum day-to-day life of the residents which is nothing out of the ordinary meaning they just can’t help poking their noses into the Klopecs business.

Mini Movie Review: RoboCop (2014)

Sunday 8 June 2014 @ 8:45 am

A remake of the magnificent 1987 movie, this is a similar to the original. Detective Alex Murphy is nearly killed by a car bomb and chosen for the RoboCop program that transplants his remains into a cybernetic suit. Battling with the total loss of his body (Murphy’s head throat and lungs are the only thing that survive), his emotions towards his wife and son and striving to better more efficient fully mechanical robots, Murphy sets off to take down the drug kingpin who planted the car bomb.

Occasionally, there are films that are much better than the original. This isn’t one of them. The big, big, big problem with the remake is that Murphy doesn’t resemble or act like a robot. He can run, wears black body armour, uses a normal gun and moves like a regular human. The story places too much emphasis on political shenanigans and doesn’t show off enough of RoboCop’s supposedly superior abilities.

The suit is too sleek and not bulky or mechanical enough. There’s hardly any technology on show and it just makes Murphy look like a regular skinny white dude wearing a SWAT uniform. Sure, a large part of the story has always been about RoboCop finding his humanity but the film overdoes it to the extent that you feel Murphy never even becomes a robot.

Plus, this wishy-washy remake has none of the humour, tongue-in-cheek violence, smart scripted dialogue or funny adverts of the original. Even the ED209’s look weedy and far less menacing than the original. A real wasted opportunity then, stick with the original (and even the sequel) which is by far the better film.

Score: 2/5

The Dumb Knight Rises – one of the best reviews I’ve ever read

Sunday 22 July 2012 @ 11:59 pm

Over on IMDb, a guy called Godspeed_f24 has posted one of the best and funniest reviews I’ve ever read for the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises. The review goes into a lot of detail and it’s obvious the guy has watched the movie but that didn’t stop the spoilsports at IMDb pulling the whole thread. Fortunately, I copied the whole narrative so here it is for you to enjoy.

Got to say I agree with a lot of the points made here, kudos to Godspeed_f24 for actually taking the time to post a review that would put many a so called professional film critic to shame.

Here’s the post in full:

Have you seen TDKR yet? Jesus, it *beep* sucked. It sucked so bad, that I need to talk about this movie because I think this was perhaps one of the stupidest films I have ever seen. I see people confused about the plot and some details so I’m going to take you through it bit by bit, logic holes and all. It’s not all bad. There’s some good stuff in here but it’s basically a sh** sandwich. So here we go…

First, we open up the movie with the plane hijacking which is our introduction to Bane. They pull off a Bond-centric stunt and kidnap nuclear bomb guy and it was pretty cool even if Bane sounded like my grandfather on a respirator. So far so good.

Then we’re at the Wayne residence. And it’s time for what Nolan does best. Exposition baby!! That train is never late. Let’s get started. It’s Harvey Dent Day!! Celebration of the Dent Act which is keeping Gotham’s worst criminals behind bars with no parole. Gordon is bumbling and stumbling trying to come up with some kind words for Gotham’s deceased psycho DA. We learn through convenient conversation from unnecessary new character #1 (Foley) that Gordon’s wife took the kids and left him and he won’t be commissioner too much longer because they’re planning to dump him. Foley is obviously an ambitious little weasel and he’s like Gordon is about to get canned? Ch-ching!! Why the audience needs to know this I have no idea because nothing ever comes of this info. Miranda Tate (unnecessary new character #2) is still trying to see Bruce Wayne for some big project. Alfred tells her to step off.

We also find out Bruce Wayne is a Uncle Fester crippled recluse who never comes out of Wayne Manor. Why? He’s been retired as Batman for 8 years still brooding over the loss of Rachel even though they had the chemistry of Tom & Jerry in the previous two films.

Selina Kyle is busy masquerading as a maid and stealing pearls belonging to Bruce’s mom which also contains his fingerprints (for a later thread in this convoluted story). Bruce goes Hawkeye on Selina with a bow and arrow and they have a nice chat before she takes John Kreese’s advice and sweeps the leg on that cripple Wayne and hops out the window.

Bruce is intrigued by this chick so he goes to the batcave which looks like it’s been rebuilt even though Batman has been “retired” for 8 years. This scene is basically there to give Bruce his one minute of doing detective work. Alfred finds Bruce in the bat cave and gives the same old tired monologue about how he wishes Bruce would end up as just a regular Joe with a nice family blah blah blah. And to top it off Nolan shows Alfred’s little dream sequence where he sees Bruce in a cafe with his family. Nolan has the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face so as soon as I saw this scene I knew it was going to come into play later in the film.

Selina delivers Bruce’s fingerprints to Dagget (unnecessary character #3 AKA plot device) who’s working with Bane. He’s planning to set up Bruce to lose his wealth later on in the movie in an attempt to take over Wayne Enterprises. However, Catwoman gets double-crossed and doesn’t get what she wants in return which is the macguffin device known as “StartYourLifeOver”. No, that’s not it. I think it was called “LifeEraser”. No…it’ll come to me later. Anyway this ridiculous little device is supposed to wipe out your entire criminal history from the computers. However, if authorities have a paper file on you that’s two inches thick with your history and photos that little device isn’t going to help much. Anyhow, Catwoman tricks Dagget’s thugs into calling the cops who show up right away. She plays victim and screams her head off as they tear up the place. She escapes.

During the melee the action somehow goes into the sewer with Gordon being caught and taken to Bane and his little army. I can’t remember how because I was a bit bored by then and ruffling my popcorn trying to find the ones with butter. Bane isn’t happy that his goons brought Gordon to his pad so he starts breaking the necks of his troops like Darth Vader…except without the Force. Gordon is like *beep* this and rolls into the sewer where the clairvoyant John Blake (unnecessary character #4 who steals Batman’s movie) arrives just in time to find him coming out.

Speaking of the clairvoyant John Blake he stops by Bruce’s place to clue him in that he knows he’s Batman. How? Because they’re both orphans and Blake could read his face. No, I’m not kidding. That’s the reason lol. I *beep* chortled in the theater when he said it. Blake tells Bruce that Batman is needed once again.

To speed this story along. Bruce tracks down Selina at Miranda Tate’s party. They dance and chat it up and Bruce takes his mom’s pearls back. To return the favor she steals his car and goes on a joyride. Bruce also visits Fox at Wayne enterprises to talk about the new macguffin device that can be turned into a nuclear weapon which plays a role later in the film. While Bruce is there he gets a look at some new toys that have been in development. Most notably “The Bat” which as we find out later in the film any person can apparently drive and operate with no training whatsoever. Even Lucius has taken it for a spin on occasion when traffic is just too heavy.

Bruce goes back to the bat cave and tries to figure things out. Luckily ex-CIA operative Alfred conveniently knows the scoop on Bane’s history and of course spoonfeeds the audience of his origin. What, you really thought Alfred was just a butler? Cmon lol. This guy can get the info and motivations about anyone just by snapping his fingers. I wouldn’t be surprised at this point if Alfred knew who killed Kennedy.

Back to Bane. He and his goons attack the stock exchange in an attempt to bankrupt Bruce Wayne (using his fingerprints) and they succeed. During their escape they use hostages strapped to their motorbikes to get away. The cops are chasing them and one of the cops actually says shoot the tires LOL. I’m laughing about that because if they shoot the tires and the bike falls I’m pretty sure the hostages strapped to the front and back of those bikes are going to incur some major head damage when they wipe out since their arms are tied and they can’t protect themselves lol. The chase leads to a tunnel which suddenly starts going dark and you guessed it!! Batman is back and comes out of the darkness on his cool Batpod. The senior cop tells his little young, flunky partner “BOY, you’re in for a show tonight!!”. Actually, no. Not much of a show at all. Batman rides his batpod and really does nothing. Ambitious weasel Foley who was chasing Bane at first suddenly turns his attention to the bigger fish Batman and wants to take him down even more than Bane to make Gordon look bad. So the whole police force chases Batman. Batman drives down a dark alley and the cops conveniently stop their pursuit (why? I don’t know) and think they have Bats surrounded. Suddenly we see “The Bat” rise from the alley where it was conveniently placed (and not a single person in the city saw it fly there and noticed it was parked). That thing must have stealth. Batman escapes of course and the “show” is over.

Back to the Wayne residence where Bruce is getting cocky and underestimating Bane. Alfred in one last ditch effort to stop Bruce admits he destroyed Rachel’s letter and that she chose Dent over him. Bruce says low blow man and Alfred once again pours on the monologue and waterworks like we haven’t heard this sh** enough times already. By now I’m getting annoyed with the crying and just want Bruce to kindly tell Alfred to STFU. Bruce says nothing damaging but Alfred leaves for good voluntarily and Bruce is on his own. Good riddance I say.

To make matters worse Fox informs Bruce that he’s broke now and they make plans for unknown Miranda Tate to take over Wayne Enterprises just to stick it to Dagget. However, they must inform Tate about the macguffin nuclear device sitting in the basement and that it’s not a toy to be played with. If it was that dangerous they could have just saved time and dismantled the thing but that would have been too logical. A little while later Tate goes to visit Bruce at his home for some reason. The lights go out since Bruce has no money to pay his electricity bill. She starts the fireplace up and yeah Stevie Wonder could see where this is headed. Bruce and Ms. Tate get it on and that’s that.

Bruce is feeling spry after gettin’ some and sets out to meet Catwoman to track down Bane. However, before he does that Nolan tells him to dress up as Batman and climb onto to something really high so the Batman fanboys can get their obligatory shot of him looking over the city with his cape flapping in the wind. Batman stares out for awhile and then says “Good enough?”. Nolan nods approvingly. The very next scene has Batman in the sewer meeting with Catwoman asking her to take him to Bane. A short stroll 20 seconds later and they’re in Bane’s lair. Catwoman locks Batman in the UFC cage with Bane (one of the few cool parts of the movie) and he proceeds to thrash Batman while talking trash in his old man, high brow, raspy Darth Vader voice the whole time. Batman uses all the tricks at his disposal but Bane has seen all of this crap before since he was also trained by Ra’s. He beats Batman like he stole something and breaks his back over his knee. Catwoman looks on with the guilty conscience.

Meanwhile the entire police force goes underground to search for Bane and his men. Yeah, seriously. They send the ENTIRE force down in the sewer. Sounds stupid? Because it is lol. Bane clairvoyantly planned for this kind of convenient stupidity and had bombs planted to trap the cops underground and to also blow the bridges. And while he was at it decided to blow up the whole Pittsburgh, errrr, Gotham Steelers team as well. If that doesn’t get the citizens of Gotham on your side nothing will lol. It gets better. He says there’s an atomic bomb in the city and it will be detonated if anyone tries to leave Gotham or anyone sneaks in. You’d think there would be mass panic in the streets right? People saying *beep* it and fleeing for their lives? Maybe try to hop on a boat? Nope. All goes according to plan and millions of Gotham’s citizens hole up in their homes. It’s a ghost town. How does Bane’s little army keep tabs on the whole city? How do the citizens of Gotham get food and everything for months on end? How does the city continue to operate? Who the *beep* knows? No one lays out any rules. The underlying message of this far-fetched plan is loud and clear…this movie is starting to suck.

Bane also finds time to drop Bruce off at the Lazarus Pit in some other country and tells him that he intends to give Gotham hope before killing them all. Yeah, everything he’s doing to that city really inspires the people with hope, right? lol. Anyhow Bruce’s punishment has to be more severe so Bane leaves him there with built-in cable TV and snacks so Bruce can watch the destruction of Gotham helplessly.

Back to Gotham where Bane is now on a loudspeaker telling the city of Gotham that they’ve been lied to. He pulls out a letter written by Gordon and gives the details in fire and brimstone about DA Harvey Dent. Why the city of Gotham would believe a madman who blew up their bridges, trapped their cops underground, blew up their football team and threatened them with an atomic bomb is beyond me. Bane tries to give them even more hope by releasing their criminals into the street. Who in the hell writes this stuff? lol. I guess Mr. Logic took a break from this movie for awhile. I hope he makes it back because this movie is getting a little ridiculous.

Blake is disappointed in Gordon for not telling the truth about Dent. Gordon snaps back defensively and that’s that. Blake starts doing a lot of detective stuff because he seems to be the only cop left in Gotham. He takes over the movie for awhile while Batman is out of commission. It’s basically “John Blake Begins”.

Back in the pit Bruce is getting his back rehabilitated by the resident witch doctor who knocks Bruce’s back into place Looney Tunes style and strings him up to heal. The movie speeds ahead (in a Nolan movie 3 minutes equals 3 months) and Bruce is back doing pushups and situps in no time trying to get out of the pit with the locals chanting gibberish cheering him on. The third or fourth try is a charm (I lost count by then) and Bruce finally he gets out. He looks around and is in the middle of nowhere except a village in the far distance. Then Bruce is back in Gotham asking Selina Kyle for help and…wait a minute, what the *beep* ?!? How did Bruce get back into Gotham with no money and no resources and with Gotham supposedly locked down? Secondly, how did Bruce find Selina in that HUGE city in the first place? And why is Bruce asking for the help of a woman who assisted in bankrupting him and set him up to get beaten within an inch of his life? Mr. Logic? Are you there? Oh that’s right he left a long *beep* time ago and apparently isn’t coming back. Selina tells Bruce there’s nothing else he can do for the people of Gotham. She’s getting the hell outta dodge and he should come with her.

Meanwhile the locals have been restless and kicking the sh** out of the rich. They hold mock trials and sentence the Mitt Romney types to walk over the frozen ice where it eventually collapses and they comically fall in. Gordon and his crew of Merrymen are caught and sentenced to death by Jonathan Crane (aka Scarecrow) who has nothing better to do these days. As Gordon and crew are walking to their eventual death you’ll never guess who appears? Batman, who despite his heavy armor can walk across the ice just fine with no problem whatsoever. He also conveniently knew where to find Gordon JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. That’s not all. Batman is also a budding artist. He gives Gordon a flare and tells him to go ahead and light it. Gordon need not worry about melting the ice…it’s Bat-tested. So Gordon throws the flare on the ice and it starts a line of fire (I’m laughing as I’m typing this because it’s so dumb) and it reveals a HUGE fire logo of Batman’s symbol. Not only did that probably take hours to do but it also ruins the element of surprise. Hans Zimmer’s score blares the Batman music for this monumental feat and I keep telling myself it’s going to get better…it’s going to get better. Sad to say, it doesn’t.

So by now this movie is so far gone it just doesn’t matter anymore and I think Nolan knows it. I honestly believe he’s trolling the audience and the critics just to see how much crap he can get away with. So back to the movie. Bruce conveniently found Selina Kyle, conveniently found Gordon just in time to save him. What’s one more time going to hurt? John Blake, you’re up!! Batman saves Blake just in time from Bane’s crew and for some reason tells Blake to wear a *beep* mask. Jesus H. Christ Nolan can you telegraph the ending of this movie any more?!?

The cops get free and they all exit their sewer-dwelling existence as if they’ve been doing Bic shaving commercials. Ambitious weasel Foley has turned to last minute good guy after Gordon convinces him to lead the police charge against Bane’s men. The unarmed cops run straight into Bane’s mercenaries who are armed with tanks and automatic rifles. Batman once again comes out of nowhere in “The Bat” at the last second to aid in the charge. I guess Bane’s guys run out of ammmo after a few seconds (they can’t shoot worth a piss anyhow) because it just becomes a battle royale of fists flying everywhere. Batman makes his way through the crowd practically untouched and comes face to face with Bane for the rematch while the chaos ensues all around them. The final fight scene of Enter the Dragon instantly comes to mind with Bruce Lee about to battle Han lol. Batman and Bane go at it and Batman targets Bane’s mask. It seems he can’t breathe when that mask is continually getting hit and Batman gets the upper hand. Batman starts screaming in his gruff comical Bat-voice asking Bane the whereabouts of the trigger to detonate the bomb. He’s about to do Bane dirty when Miranda Tate (aka Talia Al Ghul) shanks Batman in the back and reveals her true identity. It’s supposed to be a big plot twist but by this time I’m like who gives a rat’s ass?!? Talia (like father, like daughter) talks about her and Bane’s history and monologues her whole plan to a stunned Batman. While she’s flapping her gums Gordon is playing action hero and manages to plant a convenient device to block the neutron bomb from being detonated. Talia finishes her life story and hits the button waiting for the explosion. Nothing happens. Her plan has been foiled…curses!!

Talia leaves Bane to finish the job on Batman but Catwoman sneaks up on everyone with a suddenly silent Batpod and just in the nick of time (yeah, it’s a running theme) saves Batman and blows Bane back to the stone ages. Batman gets his 2nd wind despite having a serious knife wound and chases Talia down in “The Bat” with Catwoman assisting on the Batpod. Talia crashes the truck and starts the typical villain death monologue. Rather than get the bomb out of Gotham ASAP Batman, Gordon, and Catwoman stand there comically listening before she dies one of the most horribly acted deaths I’ve ever seen. Batman looks at his watch and figures he has a bit more time to waste with Gordon and Catwoman before he finally starts towing the bomb out to sea away from Gotham. We see a closeup of Batman’s face as he’s flying out to sea and the bomb finally explodes. Gotham is saved and it’s the end of Batman….or is it?

Well, everything is wrapped up nice and neat. We see Bruce Wayne’s funeral with Alfred crying once again that he failed the family. I know it’s supposed to be sad and all but I’m sick of Alfred’s sh**…sorry. Wayne Manor basically becomes an orphanage. Batman gets a really cool statue in his honor. We find out John Blake’s name is actually “Robin” in the most cringe-worthy, eye-roll inducing way possible. Gordon is seen checking out what looks like the new Bat, errr Blake-signal. Fox learns the autopilot was fixed by Bruce Wayne and he gets a knowing expression. Then we see Alfred in a scene that looks just like his cafe dream that he had earlier in the movie. He looks over and sees Bruce with Selina Kyle. Bruce smiles and Alfred smiles back….Batman is ALIVE!! I sure as hell didn’t see that coming. The final shot of the movie is Blake finding the Batcave signaling he’s the new Batman even though he’s had no training and no wealth whatsoever. I can’t wait to see him get his ass kicked. Cue the credits.