New, New Top Gear is rubbish

I honestly thought Top Gear couldn’t get any worse with a grinning Chris Evans, but new presenters Paddy McGuinness and Freddie Flintoff make the Evans version look like a work of art.

The big problem? That’s easy, it’s the feckin’ accents and Freddie Flintoff who’s as wooden as a carpenters workshop. Plus, neither of the two new presenters know the slightest thing about cars. It’s like getting a village idiot to chair a political debate.

First up, those accents; I genuinely have to switch on the subtitles because I just can’t understand what the fuck McGuiness and Flintoff are saying most of the time. Both their accents are as thick as a mattress sandwich and I hate the way they gang up on Chris Harris in what looks like borderline bullying.

Accent aside, I don’t mind Paddy too much. He’s no Matt Le Blanc that’s for sure but at least the camera work is passable. Flintoff on the other hand, is just a complete tool with zero charm, zero presenting skills and a really awkward on-screen manner that makes you wanna just punch him in the gob so he’ll shut up.

It’s a real shame because the Matt, Chris and Rory combination was working. Once they got rid of Evans and brought Reid into the main team, it settled down a lot more and was enjoyable, entertaining and informative. All three which are sorely missing from the new new version.

I understand Le Blanc wanting to leave so he could spend more time with the family but it’s a shame to let Reid go when they could have just replaced Matt with someone else. Still, it’s typically of the BBC to fuck around with things in the name of “diversity”. As far as the BBC is concerned, they’ve managed to tick the box marked “regional accents” whilst ignoring the fact that ultimately, it’s still a show about cars which is why they’ve gone for two presenters who know nothing about cars (and one who seems to know nothing about anything except cricket).

Do you wanna know how bad New New Top Gear is with these two? I’ve watched pretty much every single episode of Top Gear, even with Chris Evans, but I just don’t bother anymore.

New Top Gear rocks

It’s official; Top Gear without Chris Evans is so much better, the difference is night and day. Sure the banter between Matt, Chris and Rory is a little forced and you can see the scripting from space but give it time. The Star in a Reasonably Fast Car slot is a nice angle and Rory Reid is much less annoying than before. I think being co-presenter has reigned in some of the Cockney Geezer act and it suits him far more to have a couple of other blokes to share the screen with.

Matt’s relaxed style of presenting means that it’s up to Chris to fill the role of enthusiastic car geek with Rory as the everyday guy who just likes cars. No sign of Eddie Jordan but he’s not missed and Sabine seems to have been given the heave-ho too.

The road trip with cars that had a million miles on the clock was a fine start and the sofa chit chat wasn’t half bad either, especially the bit about continuity errors in the film Ronin.

With a little polish and a few tweaks, I reckon new Top Gear will really work. Well done lads, genuinely looking forward to the rest of the series.

The Grand Tour – welcome back Clarkson, Hammond and May

Just watched the first new episode of The Grand Tour and it’s so much better than Top Gear. Everything screams quality and the whole thing has been shot like a movie. It looks absolutely stunning and it’s so much funnier than before now that the jokes don’t have to be vetted by the ridiculous PC obsessed lefty cretins at the BBC. Compared to The Grand Tour, new Top Gear is tired, dated and looks embarrassingly cheap.

There are a few wobbles; The American is about as likeable as gangrene and the celebrity bit was all a bit cringe but on the whole, this just goes to prove that Top Gear was never really about cars and more about the banter between Clarkson, Hammond and May. How the BBC will be kicking themselves to let this money spinner go and you know what? Serves ’em right. Fuck the BBC and the TV licence crap.

In the meantime, we’ve got a glorious series of The Grand Tour to look forward to and I can’t wait. Welcome back lads, you’ve been sorely missed.

Thank Evans he’s gone

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Chris Evans has packed in the Top Gear job after just one series. Don’t feel sorry for him, his ego couldn’t take the pressure or criticism and a show like Top Gear very quickly shows Evans many shortcomings as a presenter. Being shouty and trying to be zany whilst emulating Jezza just doesn’t cut the mustard and the lack of originality in the new series was shocking.

Just need to ditch Eddie Jordan and Rory Reid now, give Matt Le Blanc a more prominent presenting role and tweak the Top Gear format so it actually resembles a decent show rather than a pale imitation.

Top Gear plumbs new depths

Eddie Jordan playing the spoons, really? I mean REALLY? Could it BE more embarrassing?

Meanwhile, Chris Evans is marginally less annoying and Rory Reid still has nothing worthwhile to say when reviewing cars. Oh, and asking the guests to introduce each other by reading from the autocue is just plain daft.

Chris Evans not the worst presenter on Top Gear

Three episodes in and Top Gear has improved a little by Chris Evans taking more of a back seat although ratings have halved and barely scrape 2 mil (old Top Gear regularly managed more than 5 mil). The less he’s on-screen, the better. However, Evans is no longer the worst presenter on Top Gear, that dubious honour has been firmly taken by Rory Reid.

Rory had his first slot yesterday on the main Top Gear, having already presented the spinoff series (which I never bothered watching) and he’s terrible. He’s trying hard to be funny (he’s not), informative (he’s not) and down wit’ da kidz (he’s not).

The worst of it is the ridiculous Cockney cheeky chappie persona, all “geezer, innit” and lame ass jokes. If Evans is trying hard to be Clarkson v2, Reid is undoubtedly trying hard to be Hammond v2. The sooner Rory Reid completely disappears off Top Gear, nay TV completely, the better.

Meanwhile, it’s still Matt Le Blanc who’s holding it all together and the most comfortable. Give this guy a contract extension and pair him up with a better set of presenters if you want Top Gear to survive.

Chris Evans ruins Top Gear

So New Top Gear with irritating idiot Chris Evans was every bit as bad as I thought it would be. All of the studio segments were embarrassingly bad with Evans whooping and shouting like a juvenile making it a total crap fest. He gave us a few cringe worthy gems like “c’mon everybody” when doing the rally cross car piece and offered a lame joke about catering that couldn’t have been more well signposted if it’d been entered into a satnav. I feel sorry for the audience who were no doubt bullied into clapping and cheering at totally the wrong moments to satisfy Evans gigantic ego.

What’s strange is that the format has barely changed with Evans even trying to ape Clarkson at every turn which is just daft. Everyone knows Chris is no wit so even trying is pointless. There were a few redeeming moments, mainly whenever Chris wasn’t on screen but on the whole, this was a rubbish Top Gear salvaged only by Matt Le Blanc who is everything that Chris Evans isn’t; cool, calm, comfortable, collected, charming, likeable and funny with a dry wit.

Here’s a quick run down of the main segments.

Opener
Off to a bad start with Chris bouncing around and yelling at the camera trying to hype up the new show. A crap joke about catering falls flatter than a pancake on a plank and has obviously been shoehorned in for no other reason than to make a sly dig at Clarkson. The audience looks ashamed at having been forced to laugh at this drivel.

Dodge Viper vs. Corvette
Filmed in a Top Gun airbase, I actually liked this piece although it would have been a lot better without Evans. Sabine is funny and entertaining but her appearance is all too brief. Back in the studio, Evans desperately tries to copy Clarkson when introducing the Stig for the lap and the audience once more looks as though their laughing faces have been painted on.

Blackpool Road Trip (part 1)
Matt and Chris drive a couple of Reliant Rialto’s to Blackpool. This is the first time we get to see Matt in his new role as Top Gear presenter and it’s soon clear that he’s far more suited to be the main presenter. Unfortunately, Matt’s car breaks down so we don’t actually get to see him driving much and Evans is as irritating as ever.

Rally Cross Car
The guest slot has stars driving a new rally cross Mini car on a revised course which is dramatically revealed by Evans as some sort of genius plan. The two guests are introduced and smug Evans wastes no time in showing how crap he is as an interviewer. The chit chat is forced, contrived and whereas Clarkson gently teases out some interesting trivia from the guests, Evans goes down the route of interviewing as if he’s reading the dummy cards using a Ladybird Big Book Of Interviewing Tips. I’ve attended funerals that were more comfortable and interesting than this. Evans commentary on the actual laps is so bad that I actually turn the volume down. The audience are encouraged to clap during the lap when the Mini manages a pathetic little jump or barely slides around corner. This by far is the worst segment of the whole show.

Nomad Off-Roader
Matt’s first solo piece and it’s good. His dry sense of humour and relaxed delivery is totally the opposite of Evans and suits Top Gear far more. More importantly, he connects with the audience on several occasions when looking at the car mounted camera and it all looks so much more professional. Matt with the right co-presenter would make a great Top Gear.

Blackpool Road Trip (part 2)
Matt and Chris do a series of challenges with their Rialto’s and once again, Matt comes across as the more comfortable presenter whilst Evans gives the audience another 10 reasons to switch off. Overall, a good piece which again would have been a lot better without Chris. Roll the credits and good riddance to Evan’s bluster.

 

Overall then, the answer to the question “How to make Top Gear great again?” is clear: ditch Chris Evans as soon as possible and make it Top Gear presented by Joey and Chandler.

Random Annoyances: Wood trim dashboards

In this day and age, why is it that certain car companies (I’m looking at you Mr Jaguar) regard a wood trim dashboard as the height of luxury motoring?

Let’s cut to the chase; wood has no useful purpose in the interior of any car unless it was last driven by Laurel & Hardy and it only serves to bring up memories of rocking chairs and aging Rover saloons with dated dashboards and an old fogie behind the wheel.

The one thing guaranteed to drive me away from any car (pun intended) is a wood dashboard, even more so if it’s accompanied by a cream leather interior that looks like it was borrowed from a porn set.

Take the Jaguar XF for instance. A fantastic drivers car, genuinely nice to sit in and a looker too except when it’s one of the many models that’s slathered with glossy wood trim on the centre console, dashboard and doors. It looks bloody awful.

Now contrast that with interior of an Audi clad in matt alumnium or a mock carbon fibre trim. I’ll take the clinical austere Audi any day.

Irritating idiot Chris Evans grasps Top Gear role

With Clarkson, Hammond and May refusing to return to Top Gear, the BBC has offered the top job to smug, self satisfied git Chris Evans who wasted no time in accepting despite categorically ruling himself out just a few months ago. That’s the end of Top Gear then.

I’ve no doubt Evans is a petrolhead and car fanatic but his boring car columns for the Sunday Mail are about as enjoyable as a 1970’s Lada Riva. Same for his Radio 2 show and pretty much everything else he has fronted.

The problem with Evans is that he is neither entertaining nor likeable and his cheeky chappie style of delivery is just plain irritating because he always comes across as a smirking idiot with an ego that has its own passport. He’s too far up his own backside and is endlessly boasting about his wonderful Ferrari collection. The few occasions he has been a guest on Top Gear are completely forgettable and you just know that the format will not be the same. Can you imagine Evans during one of the epic challenges such as driving across the Middle East in a convertible or the cross-country America road trip? No, me neither.

So in short, Top Gear with Chris Evans will be crap and God help us if the co-presenter is Jodie Kidd who serves no useful purpose other than ticking the inane BBC diversity checkbox.

Rubbish BMW online car configurator eager to drive away customers

If there’s one thing that gets on my goat, it’s a rubbish website from a large, well funded organisation that should know better. Step forward BMW who seem to think the way best way to attract customers is by offering a car configurator tool that does its level best to ensure you never buy a BMW.

The warning bells sound early on when you click the car configurator link and the tiresome Java logo appears to inform you that your browser will now slow to a crawl. You’re then presented with a squashed photo album of BMW models way down at the bottom of the screen. Hovering over any one in particular shows a popup of the base model and price although why BMW would think that is useful is anyone’s guess. Chances are that if you want to buy the cheapest model of a brand new BMW, you’re looking at the wrong marque.

Once you’ve chosen your model, the website prompts you to choose a paint job. Only problem is that there are no paint job options to choose from, BMW obviously thinks it best to leave it to your imagine as to what Midnight Taupe Eggshell will look like spattered all over your new pride and joy.

The whole experience is just so counterintuitive and clunky. You can’t see a 360° real-time view of the car by simply dragging the mouse but must instead click on arrow links, each accompanied by a pause as the Java tortoise in the background coughs and wheezes to the next image. That is, when you can actually get to see the car you’re building, BMW has thought it best to only show you your configured model at select opportunities instead of being there constantly on the screen updating in real time the way it should be done.

And then there’s the unhelpful dialogue that prompts you to do stuff that’s not even relevant. For example, click on the Interior package and it’ll ask you to choose upholstery. Click on the Packages link and it’s still banging on about choosing upholstery only this time the bottom strip is accompanied by the variously overpriced driver packages you can add to the build.

Screen estate is wasted laboriously and the whole thing barely squeezes onto a 768 height screen which is a native resolution for 720p present on most laptops made in the last 5 years. Navigation is all over the pace with no consistency in the user experience whilst the information is displayed haphazardly seemingly inviting the user to guess what happens next.

When you do finally make it to the end, and only those with the patience of a Saint will bother, you click on Your BMW and are presented with … nothing. Actually, that’s not strictly true, if you were previously looking at the Interior section, clicking on Your BMW simply shows you the same screen. Nice one BMW, I’m obviously mad thinking that clicking on a link entitled Your BMW would actually show me my meticulously built BMW.

Other rival marques (e.g. Audi, Alfa Romeo) have wonderful online car configurators that actually work and provide a fun and informative way to spec a new car. BMW’s offering is just too buggy, complicated, slow and messy. You would expect that the company behind the Ultimate Driving Machine would put a lot more care and due consideration into providing the Ultimate Car Configurator to build the Ultimate Driving Machine.