Random annoyances: Lettuce

Wednesday 20 September 2017 @ 9:35 pm

I’ve never had *any* food that was considerably improved by the addition of lettuce. Let’s be honest, it serves no useful purpose other than a snack for rabbits and tortoises and a minor distraction for fat people who think nibbling lettuce will make them thin.

Take the humble cheese salad sandwich. Lettuce, cheese, cucumber and tomato with a dressing if you buy it from Waitrose. Ditch the tasteless soggy lettuce and you’re left with … a tasty sandwich. Then there’s the egg salad sandwich. Remove any one of the fillers, apart from lettuce, and the sandwich is about as appealing as a kick in the balls.

That’s not to say it doesn’t have it’s place. Chop it up finely so it can’t be tasted and add it to a salad to bulk it up, which is pretty much what everyone else does.

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Random Annoyances: Laces that don’t untie

Monday 12 June 2017 @ 9:33 pm

After a hard days work dealing with inane “Business Consultants”, marketing spivs, useless HR bean counters or even chopping wood, one thing guaranteed to annoy once home is when you bend down to take off your shoes, pull the lace and have it end up in a huge messy knot with said shoe still tethered to your foot that takes another 5 minutes to untangle.

I really don’t know why this happens but it’s bloody annoying and seems to be something to do with the force used to pull the lace. A quick tug(!) and a knot is 95% certain. A slow pull(!) and the shoe is more likely to come off.

The simple answer is a pair of scissors or footwear without laces which is all fine and well if you’re a hippy and shower every other month but for the rest of us in the real (corporate) world, turning up to the office in flip-flops and a greasy goatee means a relocation to the front door.

That leaves just one alternative which is to pull off the shoe without untying the laces but this doesn’t solve the problem because the next day when you want to put them back on again, you still have to untie the damn lace. Which will inevitably knot.

There is only one viable solution. Power Laces. Back To The Future style. Bring it on.


Random Annoyances: All-in-one laptop trackpads

Thursday 11 February 2016 @ 2:16 pm

If there’s one thing guaranteed to tempt me to throw a laptop out of a top floor window, rush downstairs, smash it to bits with a large axe, chuck the bits into a bin, burn the bin, sweep up the bin ashes and put them into a urn to be thrown out at sea, it’s all-in-one laptop trackpads.

You know the types; Dell and Lenovo are notorious for putting these stupid fuckin’ trackpads on laptops that have no separate left and right buttons meaning you have to press the whole pad to register a click. Not only is this more uncomfortable to use, the accuracy is terrible.

Take the Lenovo X240 for example. This steaming pile of craporama can never correctly register whether you have done a left click or a right click, even if you have clicked correctly in the right corners, simply because the whole pad is just one button. You end up having to keep clicking furiously until it registers the right one.

The result? I use an external wireless mouse because the all-in-one trackpad is about as useful as an Alsation in a cattery.


Random Annoyances: Voice activated telephone response systems

Friday 30 October 2015 @ 10:39 pm

Why is it that even the most simplest of tasks are often wrecked by meddling idiots who haven’t got a clue? Take voice activated telephone response systems. Not content with leading customers through a labyrinth of ridiculous prompts to press 1 for bills, 2 for payments, 3 for our shitfest Indian Call Centre, etc., companies have now resorted to inviting mugs customers to speak their responses into the phone instead of pressing keys.

Whichever muppet thought that was a great idea in the name of “convenience” needs their throat cut. Have they even considered that most people would be uncomfortable bellowing out their personal details and often use mobiles so the chances of the system recognising what you’re saying in a bad reception area are about as high as a badgers balls.

Using the keypad is infinitely easier and discrete. The fact is that humans are only ever comfortable when talking to other humans with the exception of K.I.T.T. or a reprogrammed Cyberdyne Systems T-800.

And whilst I’m on a rant, why do these feckin’ companies always put the least likely option first? Make a payment consistently tends to be option 1 no matter who you call. Why?

Who the hell is going to go through the trouble of ringing up customer services, being led around the automated system for 5 minutes and then proceed to hand over their card details to make the bare minimum payment when it can all be done online?

If you are ever forced to use any of these crappy voice activated response systems, the quickest way of getting through to someone is to just keep your mouth shut. After a few moments of not recognising what you said, the dumb ass system will give up and put you through to a human being.


Random Annoyances: Wood trim dashboards

Wednesday 1 July 2015 @ 9:55 pm

In this day and age, why is it that certain car companies (I’m looking at you Mr Jaguar) regard a wood trim dashboard as the height of luxury motoring?

Let’s cut to the chase; wood has no useful purpose in the interior of any car unless it was last driven by Laurel & Hardy and it only serves to bring up memories of rocking chairs and aging Rover saloons with dated dashboards and an old fogie behind the wheel.

The one thing guaranteed to drive me away from any car (pun intended) is a wood dashboard, even more so if it’s accompanied by a cream leather interior that looks like it was borrowed from a porn set.

Take the Jaguar XF for instance. A fantastic drivers car, genuinely nice to sit in and a looker too except when it’s one of the many models that’s slathered with glossy wood trim on the centre console, dashboard and doors. It looks bloody awful.

Now contrast that with interior of an Audi clad in matt alumnium or a mock carbon fibre trim. I’ll take the clinical austere Audi any day.


Random Annoyances: Telephone Numbers With No Spaces

Wednesday 4 March 2015 @ 11:51 pm

Why do some people insist on giving you their phone number as one long huge integer as it was the answer to a fiendishly complicated math equation? When I ask for a telephone number to be written down or texted or emailed, I expect it to be provided in a format that makes it easy to key in and understand like 0208 312 6745 and not 02083126745 which is a pain in the ass to dial.

The human brain has difficulty digesting huge numbers with no spaces, and in some cases, for example the type of people who you might find entering a Village Idiot contest or appearing on reality TV, even single digits can be a challenge.


Random Annoyances: Short People Driving Cars

Monday 21 July 2014 @ 7:43 pm

You know what grinds my gears? Short people driving cars. Or more specifically, short people trying to drive a car because I’ve never yet seen any short ass capable of driving properly. For a start, Shorty should know to raise the bloody seat so they can at least look out of the feckin’ windscreen instead of peering over the top of the steering wheel nose first.

Any why is it that almost all short drivers are in something crap and annoying like a Renault Scenic or a stupid looking big ass 4×4 like a Range Rover Shite?