Is France good for anything?

Having visited France many times, I’ve been wondering of late if it serves any useful purpose. Let’s examine the evidence:

Food
French food on the whole sucks. All poncey, pretentious crap that is full of wine (I don’t drink) with cheese served as a dessert. Frogs legs and snails? You’re having a giraffe. Their gateaux are great though, the French know how to make good cake and delicious pastries.

Cars
There is no such thing as a good French car. There’s a reason Peugeot, Citroen and Renault motors are boring to drive, less reliable than a politician’s promise and depreciate quicker than a falling brick. At least Citroen shows some flair but this merely elevates it to the top of a large crap heap.

Language
No doubt that French is a sexy language capable of making anyone weak at the knees but why does it have to be so bloody annoying? All the “un” this and “une” that, frankly, I have enough going on in my fuddled brain without having to worry about whether or not the correct expression is male or female. Plus, just how useful is French outside of France, especially in the business world? Exactly.

People
On the whole, French people are aloof with a reputation for arrogance and rudeness, one that is well deserved if you have ever visited Paris. The women can be quite sexy but the men have a polarising pompous Gallic tendency to either shrug at everything (“Je ne pas bothered”) or work themselves into a lather over tiny miniscule things of no importance (“Le spoon is bent at un wrong angle”).

Fashion
Ah yes, fashion. That most essential of industries, vital to the well being of the entire world. France is home to many fashion houses and you know what? I think the world would be a much better place if every single one of them would just sod off and die.

Films
French films are as popular as Hollywood Blockbusters. In France that is. Outside of France, French films are about as welcome as a box of rodents in a cheese factory. I once watched a French film and it was all moody drama with subdued lighting and monotonous dialogue that would have made even a coked up caffeine freak nod off. When was the last time you heard someone say they just watched a great French movie?

Culture
If you can ignore the revolting open air public lavatories, there are lots of museums, famous artists and splendid old buildings to admire. I don’t think Crazy Horse counts for much but if cabaret is your thing, you could do a lot worse. And I just love the Asterix books.

History
The French Revolution was a Good Thing; kick out the lazy thieving useless nobility. World War II was not so good; drop rifle and run scared from the Germans without so much as putting up a fight.

Government
The French government is typically socialist, loves red tape and about as financially savvy as a meth-addicted lottery winner. The country has a lazy, fully unionised workforce which means a high tax economy with the Government forever throwing money around and going bust. Fiscal austerity is a dirty word in France and there is no attempt to balance the books lest an angry mob of pitchfork wielding farmers storms the National Assembly. This is why the country has been in decline since the credit crunch and why all the wealthy French have decamped to London. Worst still, France is one of the standard bearers for the despised EU project but at least they don’t slavishly follow each and every rule like pathetic Britain.

Music
Mostly crap folk music nobody listens to but luckily, on the dance side there’s a fabulous selection of house, disco, electronic and even hip hop that everyone can enjoy.

Holidays
Nice place to visit if you stay away from the big cities. Paris is a bit crap, Marseille is even worse and the less said about Lyon, the better. French countryside is beautiful though and the Alps are well worth a visit, even if you don’t like snow. Americans and other similarly obese tourists will likely enjoy Euro Disney.

Transport
Fast, efficient and comfortable. Miles better than the UK and much cheaper too.

National Anthem
Have to admit that I like the French anthem. It’s uplifting, inspiring and so much better than the dreary English crap that needs to be put to bed, much like the entire useless freeloading Windsor monarchy.

 

So there you have it. I think on the whole, France just about scrapes through as serving a useful purpose which is more than can be said for shitty Belgium.

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