Chris Evans ruins Top Gear

Sunday 29 May 2016 @ 11:16 pm

So New Top Gear with irritating idiot Chris Evans was every bit as bad as I thought it would be. All of the studio segments were embarrassingly bad with Evans whooping and shouting like a juvenile making it a total crap fest. He gave us a few cringe worthy gems like “c’mon everybody” when doing the rally cross car piece and offered a lame joke about catering that couldn’t have been more well signposted if it’d been entered into a satnav. I feel sorry for the audience who were no doubt bullied into clapping and cheering at totally the wrong moments to satisfy Evans gigantic ego.

What’s strange is that the format has barely changed with Evans even trying to ape Clarkson at every turn which is just daft. Everyone knows Chris is no wit so even trying is pointless. There were a few redeeming moments, mainly whenever Chris wasn’t on screen but on the whole, this was a rubbish Top Gear salvaged only by Matt Le Blanc who is everything that Chris Evans isn’t; cool, calm, comfortable, collected, charming, likeable and funny with a dry wit.

Here’s a quick run down of the main segments.

Off to a bad start with Chris bouncing around and yelling at the camera trying to hype up the new show. A crap joke about catering falls flatter than a pancake on a plank and has obviously been shoehorned in for no other reason than to make a sly dig at Clarkson. The audience looks ashamed at having been forced to laugh at this drivel.

Dodge Viper vs. Corvette
Filmed in a Top Gun airbase, I actually liked this piece although it would have been a lot better without Evans. Sabine is funny and entertaining but her appearance is all too brief. Back in the studio, Evans desperately tries to copy Clarkson when introducing the Stig for the lap and the audience once more looks as though their laughing faces have been painted on.

Blackpool Road Trip (part 1)
Matt and Chris drive a couple of Reliant Rialto’s to Blackpool. This is the first time we get to see Matt in his new role as Top Gear presenter and it’s soon clear that he’s far more suited to be the main presenter. Unfortunately, Matt’s car breaks down so we don’t actually get to see him driving much and Evans is as irritating as ever.

Rally Cross Car
The guest slot has stars driving a new rally cross Mini car on a revised course which is dramatically revealed by Evans as some sort of genius plan. The two guests are introduced and smug Evans wastes no time in showing how crap he is as an interviewer. The chit chat is forced, contrived and whereas Clarkson gently teases out some interesting trivia from the guests, Evans goes down the route of interviewing as if he’s reading the dummy cards using a Ladybird Big Book Of Interviewing Tips. I’ve attended funerals that were more comfortable and interesting than this. Evans commentary on the actual laps is so bad that I actually turn the volume down. The audience are encouraged to clap during the lap when the Mini manages a pathetic little jump or barely slides around corner. This by far is the worst segment of the whole show.

Nomad Off-Roader
Matt’s first solo piece and it’s good. His dry sense of humour and relaxed delivery is totally the opposite of Evans and suits Top Gear far more. More importantly, he connects with the audience on several occasions when looking at the car mounted camera and it all looks so much more professional. Matt with the right co-presenter would make a great Top Gear.

Blackpool Road Trip (part 2)

Matt and Chris do a series of challenges with their Rialto’s and once again, Matt comes across as the more comfortable presenter whilst Evans gives the audience another 10 reasons to switch off. Overall, a good piece which again would have been a lot better without Chris. Roll the credits and good riddance to Evan’s bluster.


Overall then, the answer to the question “How to make Top Gear great again?” is clear: ditch Chris Evans as soon as possible and make it Top Gear presented by Joey and Chandler.

Mini Movie Review: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Tuesday 17 May 2016 @ 9:29 pm

Following on from the rather dull Man of Steel, public opinion is divided as to whether Superman is a good guy or a threat to all. Batman however has no such qualms and is determined to get rid of Supe once and for all after the Man of Steel demolished Metropolis whilst battling General Zod. Meanwhile, Lex Luther has found some kryptonite as well as a Kryptonite ship and wastes no time in setting the two up for an epic fight and unleashing a seemingly invincible monster engineered from General Zod’s DNA. Wonder Woman pops up to both beguile and befriend the two superheroes whilst the other nobody’s who form the Justice League also fleetingly appear, The Flash as a tramp for some inexplicable reason, as a prelude to the next movie.

Batman v Superman has been unfairly panned I reckon. Sure, it’s not a great movie but it’s a good movie. Ben Affleck is suitably grizzled as a much tougher and more brutal Batman and Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman is excellent. Some of the supporting characters are good too, Perry White in particular. However, there are two big elephants in the casting room; Jesse Eisenberg as a spoiled rich kid Lex Luthor who is all edgy nervous tics and trying too hard to be cool. I really like the new interpretation of Lex but he’s no evil genius, that’s for sure. Then there’s Amy Adams as Lois Lane and pretty much responsible for fucking everything up at the end. Teri Hatcher’s Lois Lane is smart, sexy and sassy whereas Any Adams is about as sharp as a wooden spoon.

The whole movie is a gloomy, ponderous affair, full of moody lighting and devoid of humour. The Marvel movies have the right mix but Batman v Superman takes itself too seriously and you just long for the odd wisecrack. The plot is muddled too with dream sequences and scrappy bits left unexplained. Oh, and the end battle is a bit naff, I couldn’t tell what the hell was going on and the monster looks exactly like a Cave Troll from LOTR.

Despite all that though, it’s still a good movie, very watchable in its own right but I can’t say I’m looking forward to the useless Justice League. With the exception of Batman and Superman, and Wonder Woman purely because of Gal Gadot’s portrayal, there isn’t a single interesting or redeeming character to rival even third rate Marvel superheroes.

Score: 3/5

Mini Movie Review: London Has Fallen (2016)

Thursday 12 May 2016 @ 6:59 pm

Secret Agent Mike Banning returns as Head of the US Presidential Protection Detail. A funeral in London for the Prime Minister gathers all the heads of state who are a prime target for Aamir Barkawi, a Pakistani arms dealer and terrorist. When Barkawi ambushes the party, and picks off the US Security Services, it’s left to Banning to protect the US President at all costs.

Screw the so called critics, this is terrific entertainment and a great action movie. Is it better than Olympus Has Fallen? Yes, most definitely. There’s more action, everything is on a bigger scale and even some of the more dodgy CGI bits can be overlooked in favour of the plot that moves along briskly. One bit in particular, when Banning and the Special Forces mount an assault on a suburban terrorist base, is excellent and filmed in the style of a video game with a single panning shot that follows Banning around as he ducks and weaves past enemy fire.

Banning and the POTUS spend more time together here unlike in the previous movie and an added bonus is that it’s set in London which is not the natural choice for action films so it’s great to see recognisable landmarks. A solid by-the-numbers action flick then and if you enjoyed Olympus Has Fallen, this is more of the same but much better.

Score: 5/5

Stupid Londoners vote in odious creep as London Mayor

Wednesday 11 May 2016 @ 10:36 pm

The writing was on the wall but there was always a little glimmer of hope that odious creep Sadiq Khan would not get his greasy mitts on the Mayors office. Alas, it was not to be, brain dead Londoners have voted in this idiot, a former human rights lawyer (says it all really) who will waste no time in pushing a pro-immigrant, pro-EU, anti-business, anti-police, pro-union and pro-refugee agenda.

There is only one other Odious Creep lower than Sadiq Khan; corrupt Keith Vaz is tucked up in Leicester where he has spent the better part of the last 20 years greasing his fat pompous backside around Parliament for the benefit of no one except his own ego and bank balance.

Back to Khan though. Anyone who has seen this fool trying to debate will soon realise he’s an incompetent liberal half-wit who would much rather rub shoulders with extremists, radicals and terrorist sympathisers than ordinary Londoners. He has more faces than a clock factory and a long track record of taking the Old Bill to court on the most dubious of cases. Don’t expect anything to improve under Khan’s watch but do welcome the continued armies of illegal immigrants that he will be planning to ship in by the busload. After all, he’s a former human rights lawyer (i.e. never had a proper job or done an honest days work) and would just love for London, the Greatest City In The World, to stay under the jackboot of the EU.

Is France good for anything?

Thursday 5 May 2016 @ 2:11 pm

Having visited France many times, I’ve been wondering of late if it serves any useful purpose. Let’s examine the evidence:

French food on the whole sucks. All poncey, pretentious crap that is full of wine (I don’t drink) with cheese served as a dessert. Frogs legs and snails? You’re having a giraffe. Their gateaux are great though, the French know how to make good cake and delicious pastries.

There is no such thing as a good French car. There’s a reason Peugeot, Citroen and Renault motors are boring to drive, less reliable than a politician’s promise and depreciate quicker than a falling brick. At least Citroen shows some flair but this merely elevates it to the top of a large crap heap.

No doubt that French is a sexy language capable of making anyone weak at the knees but why does it have to be so bloody annoying? All the “un” this and “une” that, frankly, I have enough going on in my fuddled brain without having to worry about whether or not the correct expression is male or female. Plus, just how useful is French outside of France, especially in the business world? Exactly.

On the whole, French people are aloof with a reputation for arrogance and rudeness, one that is well deserved if you have ever visited Paris. The women can be quite sexy but the men have a polarising pompous Gallic tendency to either shrug at everything (“Je ne pas bothered”) or work themselves into a lather over tiny miniscule things of no importance (“Le spoon is bent at un wrong angle”).

Ah yes, fashion. That most essential of industries, vital to the well being of the entire world. France is home to many fashion houses and you know what? I think the world would be a much better place if every single one of them would just sod off and die.

French films are as popular as Hollywood Blockbusters. In France that is. Outside of France, French films are about as welcome as a box of rodents in a cheese factory. I once watched a French film and it was all moody drama with subdued lighting and monotonous dialogue that would have made even a coked up caffeine freak nod off. When was the last time you heard someone say they just watched a great French movie?

If you can ignore the revolting open air public lavatories, there are lots of museums, famous artists and splendid old buildings to admire. I don’t think Crazy Horse counts for much but if cabaret is your thing, you could do a lot worse. And I just love the Asterix books.

The French Revolution was a Good Thing; kick out the lazy thieving useless nobility. World War II was not so good; drop rifle and run scared from the Germans without so much as putting up a fight.

The French government is typically socialist, loves red tape and about as financially savvy as a meth-addicted lottery winner. The country has a lazy, fully unionised workforce which means a high tax economy with the Government forever throwing money around and going bust. Fiscal austerity is a dirty word in France and there is no attempt to balance the books lest an angry mob of pitchfork wielding farmers storms the National Assembly. This is why the country has been in decline since the credit crunch and why all the wealthy French have decamped to London. Worst still, France is one of the standard bearers for the despised EU project but at least they don’t slavishly follow each and every rule like pathetic Britain.

Mostly crap folk music nobody listens to but luckily, on the dance side there’s a fabulous selection of house, disco, electronic and even hip hop that everyone can enjoy.

Nice place to visit if you stay away from the big cities. Paris is a bit crap, Marseille is even worse and the less said about Lyon, the better. French countryside is beautiful though and the Alps are well worth a visit, even if you don’t like snow. Americans and other similarly obese tourists will likely enjoy Euro Disney.

Fast, efficient and comfortable. Miles better than the UK and much cheaper too.

National Anthem
Have to admit that I like the French anthem. It’s uplifting, inspiring and so much better than the dreary English crap that needs to be put to bed, much like the entire useless freeloading Windsor monarchy.


So there you have it. I think on the whole, France just about scrapes through as serving a useful purpose which is more than can be said for shitty Belgium.