Olympics closing ceremony ruined by talentless drivel

Monday 13 August 2012 @ 6:01 pm

After the mediocre Olympics opening ceremony, I had low expectations for the closing bash. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as bad as I thought with a good cast list wholly let down by a bunch of 100% 22 carat duffers.

First up we had shitty boy band One Direction atop a lorry busy lip-synching their way through what can only be described as the type of crap teeny bopper rubbish that prepubescent girls and their elder sisters go crazy over. Why on earth the UK had to embarrass itself by allowing this talentless bunch of tuneless miming muppets airtime in front of a global audience of billions is a complete mystery. It would have been a damn site more entertaining if One Direction had been simply herded into the stadium and promptly run over by the lorry so the world is never again subjected to their warbling drivel.

If that wasn’t enough, up popped Russell Brand like a particularly obnoxious pond scum to murder the Beatles number “I Am The Walrus” whilst dressed as Willy Wonka although as always with the insufferable, odious, repugnant and desperately unfunny Brand, Willy Wanker would have been far more appropriate. If ever there was a troll who needs beating up, dragged into the middle of the North Sea in a mackerel trawler and dumped over the side with a couple of lead weights, it’s this loathsome dickhead.

And then there was the bizarre spectacle of everything being covered in newspaper which looked as stupid as it sounds. I have no clue why anyone would regard this as a good idea but then again, if I did no doubt I’d be running the show and booking garbage acts like One Direction.

As for the rest, well the naked zombies, Morris dancing, skating nuns and an impromptu catwalk show featuring the very ordinary Kate Moss and temper tantrum diva Naomi Campbell didn’t in any way elevate the spectacle any higher than “meh!”.

Was there anything actually good about it? Well the Del Boy and Rodney tribute was great if fleeting and a lot of the classic acts were enjoyable, even the Spice Girls. Best of all, a magnificent fireworks display and the hand over to Brazil, who showcased a wonderful Rio inspired carnival, signalled the end of the Olympics nonsense and the next poor country to go bankrupt splashing out for the whole corrupt shindig.

Wallets out now though people, it’s time to pay for this sporting scam that further enriched the business sponsors, IOC and their assorted hangers on whilst burdening the taxpayer with billions.

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iDiot journalist has account hacked after putting faith in The Cloud

Tuesday 7 August 2012 @ 12:47 pm

If ever there was a reason to never use cloud computing cack, and there are plenty, the story of Mat Honan would surely be top of the list.

Mat had his entire digital life destroyed when hackers gained access to his Apple account. Of course, Mat being a slavish sheep follower of the Cult of Apple had his iPad, iPhone and Mac all connected and merrily uploading content to iCloud. That meant once hackers got access to Mat’s Apple ID, they were able to remotely lock his iPhone and wipe content from all his devices, including both his Mac and iPad, none of which he’d had bothered to back up.

The Wired journalist went on to bleat he’s “upset that this ecosystem that I’ve placed so much of my trust in has let me down so thoroughly.” Well no Mat, nobody told you to place your trust in such a stupid concept as “The Cloud” where you have no control over how your content is used or how it is accessed and by whom. If you hadn’t been an iDiot and blindly entrusted all your precious pictures to “The Cloud” and instead kept everything locally where you have full ownership of all your digital assets, then you wouldn’t have lost it all now would you?

However, blame must also be placed on Apple and Amazon who allowed a security lapse to exploit a flaw in the system for gaining access to personal information. Procedures have been tightened up at both companies as a result but it doesn’t change the fundamental issue that using any form of cloud computing rubbish where your content ends up “somewhere” is just asking for trouble.


Rubbish BMW online car configurator eager to drive away customers

Thursday 2 August 2012 @ 11:06 am

If there’s one thing that gets on my goat, it’s a rubbish website from a large, well funded organisation that should know better. Step forward BMW who seem to think the way best way to attract customers is by offering a car configurator tool that does its level best to ensure you never buy a BMW.

The warning bells sound early on when you click the car configurator link and the tiresome Java logo appears to inform you that your browser will now slow to a crawl. You’re then presented with a squashed photo album of BMW models way down at the bottom of the screen. Hovering over any one in particular shows a popup of the base model and price although why BMW would think that is useful is anyone’s guess. Chances are that if you want to buy the cheapest model of a brand new BMW, you’re looking at the wrong marque.

Once you’ve chosen your model, the website prompts you to choose a paint job. Only problem is that there are no paint job options to choose from, BMW obviously thinks it best to leave it to your imagine as to what Midnight Taupe Eggshell will look like spattered all over your new pride and joy.

The whole experience is just so counterintuitive and clunky. You can’t see a 360° real-time view of the car by simply dragging the mouse but must instead click on arrow links, each accompanied by a pause as the Java tortoise in the background coughs and wheezes to the next image. That is, when you can actually get to see the car you’re building, BMW has thought it best to only show you your configured model at select opportunities instead of being there constantly on the screen updating in real time the way it should be done.

And then there’s the unhelpful dialogue that prompts you to do stuff that’s not even relevant. For example, click on the Interior package and it’ll ask you to choose upholstery. Click on the Packages link and it’s still banging on about choosing upholstery only this time the bottom strip is accompanied by the variously overpriced driver packages you can add to the build.

Screen estate is wasted laboriously and the whole thing barely squeezes onto a 768 height screen which is a native resolution for 720p present on most laptops made in the last 5 years. Navigation is all over the pace with no consistency in the user experience whilst the information is displayed haphazardly seemingly inviting the user to guess what happens next.

When you do finally make it to the end, and only those with the patience of a Saint will bother, you click on Your BMW and are presented with … nothing. Actually, that’s not strictly true, if you were previously looking at the Interior section, clicking on Your BMW simply shows you the same screen. Nice one BMW, I’m obviously mad thinking that clicking on a link entitled Your BMW would actually show me my meticulously built BMW.

Other rival marques (e.g. Audi, Alfa Romeo) have wonderful online car configurators that actually work and provide a fun and informative way to spec a new car. BMW’s offering is just too buggy, complicated, slow and messy. You would expect that the company behind the Ultimate Driving Machine would put a lot more care and due consideration into providing the Ultimate Car Configurator to build the Ultimate Driving Machine.


Apple vs. Samsung legal battle kicks off with Hilarious Understatement Of The Year

Wednesday 1 August 2012 @ 2:34 pm

The Farcical Legal Event Of The Year has kicked off today with Apple claiming billions in damages from Samsung. Hilariously, Apple designer and Chief Hippie, Chris Stringer, claimed it was plain to see that Apple had been ripped off, conveniently ignoring the fact that Apple having been ripping off their sheep … sorry, customers, for years with overpriced “lifestyle” products.

What’s even funnier is that Apple is desperately trying to claim a monopoly on rectangular shapes with rounded corners. Now I’m no Apple basher, I actually think they make very nice usable kit that’s just stupidly overpriced and lapped up by iDiots too ignorant to contemplate there being better alternatives. For what it’s worth, I think the iPhone 4GS is still one of the best mobiles available if you can live with the rubbish battery life. Equally though, I think the Samsung Galaxy S2 is a real stunner and a match for the iPhone in every way, including the same rubbish battery life.

However, I reckon Apple are stir fry crazy if they think they can patent a shape. And their Legal Counsel claiming that Steve Jobs betted the whole company on the iPhone is laughably inaccurate given they were flogging plenty of iPods and Macs before then. Never mind the fact that Samsung have been selling phones since the early 90’s and that loads of mobiles before the iPhone had a “rectangular touchscreen with rounded corners”, it seems Apple has nothing better to do than whine and bitch about the competition that actually benefits the punters.

If Apple wins, chances are that the Android market will change for the worse. If Samsung wins, Apple’s outrageously overpriced products will become even more expensive because of the payout. In other words, this stupid legal battle serves no useful purpose and whoever wins, we, the consumers, all lose.