The Dumb Knight Rises – one of the best reviews I’ve ever read

Sunday 22 July 2012 @ 11:59 pm

Over on IMDb, a guy called Godspeed_f24 has posted one of the best and funniest reviews I’ve ever read for the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises. The review goes into a lot of detail and it’s obvious the guy has watched the movie but that didn’t stop the spoilsports at IMDb pulling the whole thread. Fortunately, I copied the whole narrative so here it is for you to enjoy.

Got to say I agree with a lot of the points made here, kudos to Godspeed_f24 for actually taking the time to post a review that would put many a so called professional film critic to shame.

Here’s the post in full:

Have you seen TDKR yet? Jesus, it *beep* sucked. It sucked so bad, that I need to talk about this movie because I think this was perhaps one of the stupidest films I have ever seen. I see people confused about the plot and some details so I’m going to take you through it bit by bit, logic holes and all. It’s not all bad. There’s some good stuff in here but it’s basically a sh** sandwich. So here we go…

First, we open up the movie with the plane hijacking which is our introduction to Bane. They pull off a Bond-centric stunt and kidnap nuclear bomb guy and it was pretty cool even if Bane sounded like my grandfather on a respirator. So far so good.

Then we’re at the Wayne residence. And it’s time for what Nolan does best. Exposition baby!! That train is never late. Let’s get started. It’s Harvey Dent Day!! Celebration of the Dent Act which is keeping Gotham’s worst criminals behind bars with no parole. Gordon is bumbling and stumbling trying to come up with some kind words for Gotham’s deceased psycho DA. We learn through convenient conversation from unnecessary new character #1 (Foley) that Gordon’s wife took the kids and left him and he won’t be commissioner too much longer because they’re planning to dump him. Foley is obviously an ambitious little weasel and he’s like Gordon is about to get canned? Ch-ching!! Why the audience needs to know this I have no idea because nothing ever comes of this info. Miranda Tate (unnecessary new character #2) is still trying to see Bruce Wayne for some big project. Alfred tells her to step off.

We also find out Bruce Wayne is a Uncle Fester crippled recluse who never comes out of Wayne Manor. Why? He’s been retired as Batman for 8 years still brooding over the loss of Rachel even though they had the chemistry of Tom & Jerry in the previous two films.

Selina Kyle is busy masquerading as a maid and stealing pearls belonging to Bruce’s mom which also contains his fingerprints (for a later thread in this convoluted story). Bruce goes Hawkeye on Selina with a bow and arrow and they have a nice chat before she takes John Kreese’s advice and sweeps the leg on that cripple Wayne and hops out the window.

Bruce is intrigued by this chick so he goes to the batcave which looks like it’s been rebuilt even though Batman has been “retired” for 8 years. This scene is basically there to give Bruce his one minute of doing detective work. Alfred finds Bruce in the bat cave and gives the same old tired monologue about how he wishes Bruce would end up as just a regular Joe with a nice family blah blah blah. And to top it off Nolan shows Alfred’s little dream sequence where he sees Bruce in a cafe with his family. Nolan has the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face so as soon as I saw this scene I knew it was going to come into play later in the film.

Selina delivers Bruce’s fingerprints to Dagget (unnecessary character #3 AKA plot device) who’s working with Bane. He’s planning to set up Bruce to lose his wealth later on in the movie in an attempt to take over Wayne Enterprises. However, Catwoman gets double-crossed and doesn’t get what she wants in return which is the macguffin device known as “StartYourLifeOver”. No, that’s not it. I think it was called “LifeEraser”. No…it’ll come to me later. Anyway this ridiculous little device is supposed to wipe out your entire criminal history from the computers. However, if authorities have a paper file on you that’s two inches thick with your history and photos that little device isn’t going to help much. Anyhow, Catwoman tricks Dagget’s thugs into calling the cops who show up right away. She plays victim and screams her head off as they tear up the place. She escapes.

During the melee the action somehow goes into the sewer with Gordon being caught and taken to Bane and his little army. I can’t remember how because I was a bit bored by then and ruffling my popcorn trying to find the ones with butter. Bane isn’t happy that his goons brought Gordon to his pad so he starts breaking the necks of his troops like Darth Vader…except without the Force. Gordon is like *beep* this and rolls into the sewer where the clairvoyant John Blake (unnecessary character #4 who steals Batman’s movie) arrives just in time to find him coming out.

Speaking of the clairvoyant John Blake he stops by Bruce’s place to clue him in that he knows he’s Batman. How? Because they’re both orphans and Blake could read his face. No, I’m not kidding. That’s the reason lol. I *beep* chortled in the theater when he said it. Blake tells Bruce that Batman is needed once again.

To speed this story along. Bruce tracks down Selina at Miranda Tate’s party. They dance and chat it up and Bruce takes his mom’s pearls back. To return the favor she steals his car and goes on a joyride. Bruce also visits Fox at Wayne enterprises to talk about the new macguffin device that can be turned into a nuclear weapon which plays a role later in the film. While Bruce is there he gets a look at some new toys that have been in development. Most notably “The Bat” which as we find out later in the film any person can apparently drive and operate with no training whatsoever. Even Lucius has taken it for a spin on occasion when traffic is just too heavy.

Bruce goes back to the bat cave and tries to figure things out. Luckily ex-CIA operative Alfred conveniently knows the scoop on Bane’s history and of course spoonfeeds the audience of his origin. What, you really thought Alfred was just a butler? Cmon lol. This guy can get the info and motivations about anyone just by snapping his fingers. I wouldn’t be surprised at this point if Alfred knew who killed Kennedy.

Back to Bane. He and his goons attack the stock exchange in an attempt to bankrupt Bruce Wayne (using his fingerprints) and they succeed. During their escape they use hostages strapped to their motorbikes to get away. The cops are chasing them and one of the cops actually says shoot the tires LOL. I’m laughing about that because if they shoot the tires and the bike falls I’m pretty sure the hostages strapped to the front and back of those bikes are going to incur some major head damage when they wipe out since their arms are tied and they can’t protect themselves lol. The chase leads to a tunnel which suddenly starts going dark and you guessed it!! Batman is back and comes out of the darkness on his cool Batpod. The senior cop tells his little young, flunky partner “BOY, you’re in for a show tonight!!”. Actually, no. Not much of a show at all. Batman rides his batpod and really does nothing. Ambitious weasel Foley who was chasing Bane at first suddenly turns his attention to the bigger fish Batman and wants to take him down even more than Bane to make Gordon look bad. So the whole police force chases Batman. Batman drives down a dark alley and the cops conveniently stop their pursuit (why? I don’t know) and think they have Bats surrounded. Suddenly we see “The Bat” rise from the alley where it was conveniently placed (and not a single person in the city saw it fly there and noticed it was parked). That thing must have stealth. Batman escapes of course and the “show” is over.

Back to the Wayne residence where Bruce is getting cocky and underestimating Bane. Alfred in one last ditch effort to stop Bruce admits he destroyed Rachel’s letter and that she chose Dent over him. Bruce says low blow man and Alfred once again pours on the monologue and waterworks like we haven’t heard this sh** enough times already. By now I’m getting annoyed with the crying and just want Bruce to kindly tell Alfred to STFU. Bruce says nothing damaging but Alfred leaves for good voluntarily and Bruce is on his own. Good riddance I say.

To make matters worse Fox informs Bruce that he’s broke now and they make plans for unknown Miranda Tate to take over Wayne Enterprises just to stick it to Dagget. However, they must inform Tate about the macguffin nuclear device sitting in the basement and that it’s not a toy to be played with. If it was that dangerous they could have just saved time and dismantled the thing but that would have been too logical. A little while later Tate goes to visit Bruce at his home for some reason. The lights go out since Bruce has no money to pay his electricity bill. She starts the fireplace up and yeah Stevie Wonder could see where this is headed. Bruce and Ms. Tate get it on and that’s that.

Bruce is feeling spry after gettin’ some and sets out to meet Catwoman to track down Bane. However, before he does that Nolan tells him to dress up as Batman and climb onto to something really high so the Batman fanboys can get their obligatory shot of him looking over the city with his cape flapping in the wind. Batman stares out for awhile and then says “Good enough?”. Nolan nods approvingly. The very next scene has Batman in the sewer meeting with Catwoman asking her to take him to Bane. A short stroll 20 seconds later and they’re in Bane’s lair. Catwoman locks Batman in the UFC cage with Bane (one of the few cool parts of the movie) and he proceeds to thrash Batman while talking trash in his old man, high brow, raspy Darth Vader voice the whole time. Batman uses all the tricks at his disposal but Bane has seen all of this crap before since he was also trained by Ra’s. He beats Batman like he stole something and breaks his back over his knee. Catwoman looks on with the guilty conscience.

Meanwhile the entire police force goes underground to search for Bane and his men. Yeah, seriously. They send the ENTIRE force down in the sewer. Sounds stupid? Because it is lol. Bane clairvoyantly planned for this kind of convenient stupidity and had bombs planted to trap the cops underground and to also blow the bridges. And while he was at it decided to blow up the whole Pittsburgh, errrr, Gotham Steelers team as well. If that doesn’t get the citizens of Gotham on your side nothing will lol. It gets better. He says there’s an atomic bomb in the city and it will be detonated if anyone tries to leave Gotham or anyone sneaks in. You’d think there would be mass panic in the streets right? People saying *beep* it and fleeing for their lives? Maybe try to hop on a boat? Nope. All goes according to plan and millions of Gotham’s citizens hole up in their homes. It’s a ghost town. How does Bane’s little army keep tabs on the whole city? How do the citizens of Gotham get food and everything for months on end? How does the city continue to operate? Who the *beep* knows? No one lays out any rules. The underlying message of this far-fetched plan is loud and clear…this movie is starting to suck.

Bane also finds time to drop Bruce off at the Lazarus Pit in some other country and tells him that he intends to give Gotham hope before killing them all. Yeah, everything he’s doing to that city really inspires the people with hope, right? lol. Anyhow Bruce’s punishment has to be more severe so Bane leaves him there with built-in cable TV and snacks so Bruce can watch the destruction of Gotham helplessly.

Back to Gotham where Bane is now on a loudspeaker telling the city of Gotham that they’ve been lied to. He pulls out a letter written by Gordon and gives the details in fire and brimstone about DA Harvey Dent. Why the city of Gotham would believe a madman who blew up their bridges, trapped their cops underground, blew up their football team and threatened them with an atomic bomb is beyond me. Bane tries to give them even more hope by releasing their criminals into the street. Who in the hell writes this stuff? lol. I guess Mr. Logic took a break from this movie for awhile. I hope he makes it back because this movie is getting a little ridiculous.

Blake is disappointed in Gordon for not telling the truth about Dent. Gordon snaps back defensively and that’s that. Blake starts doing a lot of detective stuff because he seems to be the only cop left in Gotham. He takes over the movie for awhile while Batman is out of commission. It’s basically “John Blake Begins”.

Back in the pit Bruce is getting his back rehabilitated by the resident witch doctor who knocks Bruce’s back into place Looney Tunes style and strings him up to heal. The movie speeds ahead (in a Nolan movie 3 minutes equals 3 months) and Bruce is back doing pushups and situps in no time trying to get out of the pit with the locals chanting gibberish cheering him on. The third or fourth try is a charm (I lost count by then) and Bruce finally he gets out. He looks around and is in the middle of nowhere except a village in the far distance. Then Bruce is back in Gotham asking Selina Kyle for help and…wait a minute, what the *beep* ?!? How did Bruce get back into Gotham with no money and no resources and with Gotham supposedly locked down? Secondly, how did Bruce find Selina in that HUGE city in the first place? And why is Bruce asking for the help of a woman who assisted in bankrupting him and set him up to get beaten within an inch of his life? Mr. Logic? Are you there? Oh that’s right he left a long *beep* time ago and apparently isn’t coming back. Selina tells Bruce there’s nothing else he can do for the people of Gotham. She’s getting the hell outta dodge and he should come with her.

Meanwhile the locals have been restless and kicking the sh** out of the rich. They hold mock trials and sentence the Mitt Romney types to walk over the frozen ice where it eventually collapses and they comically fall in. Gordon and his crew of Merrymen are caught and sentenced to death by Jonathan Crane (aka Scarecrow) who has nothing better to do these days. As Gordon and crew are walking to their eventual death you’ll never guess who appears? Batman, who despite his heavy armor can walk across the ice just fine with no problem whatsoever. He also conveniently knew where to find Gordon JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. That’s not all. Batman is also a budding artist. He gives Gordon a flare and tells him to go ahead and light it. Gordon need not worry about melting the ice…it’s Bat-tested. So Gordon throws the flare on the ice and it starts a line of fire (I’m laughing as I’m typing this because it’s so dumb) and it reveals a HUGE fire logo of Batman’s symbol. Not only did that probably take hours to do but it also ruins the element of surprise. Hans Zimmer’s score blares the Batman music for this monumental feat and I keep telling myself it’s going to get better…it’s going to get better. Sad to say, it doesn’t.

So by now this movie is so far gone it just doesn’t matter anymore and I think Nolan knows it. I honestly believe he’s trolling the audience and the critics just to see how much crap he can get away with. So back to the movie. Bruce conveniently found Selina Kyle, conveniently found Gordon just in time to save him. What’s one more time going to hurt? John Blake, you’re up!! Batman saves Blake just in time from Bane’s crew and for some reason tells Blake to wear a *beep* mask. Jesus H. Christ Nolan can you telegraph the ending of this movie any more?!?

The cops get free and they all exit their sewer-dwelling existence as if they’ve been doing Bic shaving commercials. Ambitious weasel Foley has turned to last minute good guy after Gordon convinces him to lead the police charge against Bane’s men. The unarmed cops run straight into Bane’s mercenaries who are armed with tanks and automatic rifles. Batman once again comes out of nowhere in “The Bat” at the last second to aid in the charge. I guess Bane’s guys run out of ammmo after a few seconds (they can’t shoot worth a piss anyhow) because it just becomes a battle royale of fists flying everywhere. Batman makes his way through the crowd practically untouched and comes face to face with Bane for the rematch while the chaos ensues all around them. The final fight scene of Enter the Dragon instantly comes to mind with Bruce Lee about to battle Han lol. Batman and Bane go at it and Batman targets Bane’s mask. It seems he can’t breathe when that mask is continually getting hit and Batman gets the upper hand. Batman starts screaming in his gruff comical Bat-voice asking Bane the whereabouts of the trigger to detonate the bomb. He’s about to do Bane dirty when Miranda Tate (aka Talia Al Ghul) shanks Batman in the back and reveals her true identity. It’s supposed to be a big plot twist but by this time I’m like who gives a rat’s ass?!? Talia (like father, like daughter) talks about her and Bane’s history and monologues her whole plan to a stunned Batman. While she’s flapping her gums Gordon is playing action hero and manages to plant a convenient device to block the neutron bomb from being detonated. Talia finishes her life story and hits the button waiting for the explosion. Nothing happens. Her plan has been foiled…curses!!

Talia leaves Bane to finish the job on Batman but Catwoman sneaks up on everyone with a suddenly silent Batpod and just in the nick of time (yeah, it’s a running theme) saves Batman and blows Bane back to the stone ages. Batman gets his 2nd wind despite having a serious knife wound and chases Talia down in “The Bat” with Catwoman assisting on the Batpod. Talia crashes the truck and starts the typical villain death monologue. Rather than get the bomb out of Gotham ASAP Batman, Gordon, and Catwoman stand there comically listening before she dies one of the most horribly acted deaths I’ve ever seen. Batman looks at his watch and figures he has a bit more time to waste with Gordon and Catwoman before he finally starts towing the bomb out to sea away from Gotham. We see a closeup of Batman’s face as he’s flying out to sea and the bomb finally explodes. Gotham is saved and it’s the end of Batman….or is it?

Well, everything is wrapped up nice and neat. We see Bruce Wayne’s funeral with Alfred crying once again that he failed the family. I know it’s supposed to be sad and all but I’m sick of Alfred’s sh**…sorry. Wayne Manor basically becomes an orphanage. Batman gets a really cool statue in his honor. We find out John Blake’s name is actually “Robin” in the most cringe-worthy, eye-roll inducing way possible. Gordon is seen checking out what looks like the new Bat, errr Blake-signal. Fox learns the autopilot was fixed by Bruce Wayne and he gets a knowing expression. Then we see Alfred in a scene that looks just like his cafe dream that he had earlier in the movie. He looks over and sees Bruce with Selina Kyle. Bruce smiles and Alfred smiles back….Batman is ALIVE!! I sure as hell didn’t see that coming. The final shot of the movie is Blake finding the Batcave signaling he’s the new Batman even though he’s had no training and no wealth whatsoever. I can’t wait to see him get his ass kicked. Cue the credits.