Government encourages panic fuel buying

Thursday 29 March 2012 @ 2:44 pm

With petrol tanker drivers preparing for a strike next week, the scamming shitty Coalition Government has wasted no time in urging everyone to panic buy and stockpile jerrycans of fuel to ensure a nationwide scramble and huge rise in tax receipts. The UK has some of the most highly taxed fuel in the world with VAT charged on top of duty for a double whammy, so it’s wholeheartedly in the Government’s interest to ensure they take this very lucrative opportunity to rob everyone blind for as much as possible.

Random Annoyances: Canary Wharf

Wednesday 14 March 2012 @ 12:40 pm

London has its fair share of prime real estate locations for companies to choose from but few sites are as stupidly located as Canary Wharf.

Now the actual place itself is very nice; clean, modern, bustling, with tall buildings and a definite air of international business, a real rival to Wall Street and the City. The problem is not so much Canary Wharf itself but getting to the damn site which is woefully served by London’s feeble, decrepit and overpriced public transport service.

Whilst the DLR is reliable enough for those living in East London or south of the Thames, the sole option for anyone coming into London Bridge or Waterloo, or travelling in from North London, is the rubbish Jubilee Line that’s about as reliable as a Nigerian bank account. It’ll be even worse when hoard’s of tourists descend upon London in summer to watch the crappy Olympics that nobody wants.

Commercial rents in Canary Wharf are now comparable to the City but that hasn’t stopped the likes of Barclays, Citibank, Morgan Stanley and HSBC pitching their headquarters on the Isle of Dogs. As a result, these businesses have a much harder time recruiting than others that are more sensibly located in the City simply because nobody wants to spend a 2 hour commute fighting their way to Canary Cack, a rubbish location that appeals solely to the cast of The Only Way Is Essex.

Grinning iDiots queue early for iPad 3 launch

Monday 12 March 2012 @ 4:27 pm

With the announcement of the iPad 3 launch date in the UK, two grinning saddo iDiots have wasted no time in staking their claim to be first in the queue for the iSad 3.

So called Apple “fan” Zohaib and his best mate Ali have pitched two deckchairs outside the flagship Regent Street store a full 4 days before the official launch of the iSad 3. Of course, no brainwashed Apple lemming would contemplate queuing for the annual instalment of Apple Lifestyle Crap You Don’t Really Need without an exciting array of overpriced Apple products to keep them company and prove how cool they are as well as providing ample mugging opportunities for the enterprising hoodie.

And so it was left to Zohaib to show off his Mac Book and iPhone wearing the type of idiotic grin you’d usually find pasted on a Village iDiot. Apart from the fact that he’s clearly hoping to get a free goodie bag or iPad 3, it does raise the question as to why exactly would you spend 4 days on the London streets with an expensive array of consumer goods and a bundle of cash in your pocket, and then advertise the fact to all and sundry.

Fair enough, Zohaib has Asperger’s syndrome and is a serial queuer, well known to the Apple store, having been first in line for a number of other overpriced Apple launches whilst his father openly admits to being a fully paid up member of the Cult of Apple but for goodness sake, get a grip, show some dignity and stop embarrassing yourselves. There is absolutely no need to worship slavishly at the altar of consumerism and certainly not for some overpriced Apple kit that’s clearly designed to relieve gullible chav fools from their Job Seekers Allowance.

KPMG axes hundreds of spiv management consultants

Friday 9 March 2012 @ 11:58 pm

KPMG announced today that it is axing hundreds of “management consultants”. Amen to that. We’ve had the misfortune to use these clowns and they are, like 99.9% all other management consultants (unless it’s McKinsey in which case it’s 100%), a bunch of incompetent, clueless, overpaid, and egotistical spivs. Absolutely no idea about anything, zero business sense, little time for trying to understand how an organisation works and all too eager to dump a cut and paste “report” that regurgitates whatever the shithead executive who hired them wants to hear.

Management Consultants like to think they add value to a business whereas the reality is the exact opposite. I’ve been involved in reviewing reports from the likes of KPMG and McKinsey and they are full of crap. The useful bits of analysis are nearly always copied from internal data that any competent PM could produce whilst the rest is the kind of nonsensical buzz word littered junk that would be embarrassing if it was on Wikipedia let alone on the desk of the executive board.

I remember reading one such report written by some dick at McKinsey that referred to “low hanging fruit” as the best method for monetising clients. No shit Sherlock, low hanging fruit you say? Better take your telephone number consultancy fees and fuck off back to your ivory tower whilst the rest of us ignorant brainless peasants gush over your amazingly insightful analysis.

Truth is that executive boards are as much to blame. Apart from the fact that most (including the lousy Government) enjoy wasting copious amounts of cash to make them feel important, they shouldn’t need to hire management consultancy spivs at all. If the well paid executive can’t do the executive job that their executive title and executive salary merits then they shouldn’t be there in the first place.