Mini Movie Review: Your Highness (2011)

Friday 26 August 2011 @ 4:04 pm

This supposed comedy has the two sons of a King, one a skilled brave fighter (James Franco) and obvious heir to the throne whilst the other a lazy obnoxious oaf, embarking on a quest to save a fair maiden and prospective bride from the clutches of an evil wizard.

With plenty of material to work with, you would have expected this to be half decent but it isn’t. It’s complete rubbish.

The jokes are crude, crass and about as funny as getting your fingers trapped in a car door. In fact, the best thing about this movie, indeed the only reason you’d want to see it if you’re a guy, is to ogle Natalie Portman who looks suitably hot and smouldering and gets her kit off in a swim scene to reveal a thong, even though it’s a body double. I’m amazed Portman actually agreed to do this crap but at least she has the grace to look suitably embarrassed about it whereas James Franco looks like he’s having a ball.

There are very few films that come across as utter garbage. This unfortunately is one of them.

Score: 0/5

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Oyster Cards designed to scam unwary commuters

Thursday 25 August 2011 @ 3:59 pm

Transport for London has long crowed about Oyster cards being the cheapest way to travel. What they don’t tell you is these sinister electronic tags also track your movements and are deliberately used by TfL as an easy way to fleece unwary customers by incorrectly robbing them of any credit when the card readers stop working. Make no mistake, the primary function of an Oyster card is not convenience or value, it is simply a revenue raising ruse with an added value proposition straight out of the bumper book of Stasi Police.

Consider the typical scenario where a commuter touches in and touches out correctly. The Oyster reader beeps but crucially, the Oyster card is not actually read meaning the full obscenely expensive single peak fare is deducted from your balance. Another popular and highly lucrative TfL scam is to open the barriers whenever there are Tube delays. Unwary passengers pass through the barriers without touching out and are again charged the full single fare which is about as competitive as a construction contract drawn up by the Mafia.

Further evidence is amply provided by the amount of incorrect fines that TfL collects through Oyster. Some £60 million was raised last year of which £20 million was paid back in refunds but only after commuters claimed the money. Here’s the thing though; the refund process relies on the commuter initiating a claim and is stupidly complicated having been specifically designed by chimps to be as convoluted as possible thus deterring even the most trivial of cases. And don’t think for one moment that any extra revenue raised is going on service improvements, TfL has far too many fat cats and cronies who will happily waste the cash on less desirable enterprises like more CCTV or less audible speakers to ensure we all miss important travel announcements.

Even the bog standard convenience argument is lazy as a Greek civil servant. How many times have you been behind someone with an Oyster card during rush hour only for their card to fail at the reader? Immediately, a crush builds up behind you and tailbacks start forming as the hapless individual scans their Oyster card again and again before sloping off to the TfL attendant who stood in the corner sniggering away at the misfortune instead of trying to help.

Best thing is to stick with a paper ticket. There’s no tracking of movements plus it’s quicker, faster, costs the same amount and more importantly, stops TfL from scamming you for every last penny.


Deluded teens think their A level results are marvellous

Friday 19 August 2011 @ 10:40 am

Time for the annual back-slapping spectacle of thick deluded teens jumping and squealing for joy at thinking they’ve actually worked hard to "achieve" several A* or A grades at A level. Countless numbers of independent studies confirm that A level exams have been getting progressively easier over the last 20 years due to successive Governments’ obsession with dumbing down qualifications to boast about higher pass rates. This is also borne out by several recent comments by companies such as Tesco who noted that today’s teens with supposedly stellar exam results lack even the most basic grasp of English and Math, fundamental skills that you’d expect several years of solid schooling would have imparted.

Truth is that today’s teens are even more stupid than the politically obsessed Government’s who think easier A Levels are the answer to mass youth unemployment. And why is it that virtually all the press reports about exam results inevitably show a gaggle of grinning 6th form girls whooping like idiots and generally acting like they’ve just won the lottery accompanied by a single token shot of two boys trying to man-hug each other without looking gay?

This is not a criticism of the teachers who are doing a sterling job in the face of political meddling. Exams have now been designed not to test a pupil’s aptitude but to tick a box and meet a statistic for the Government to crow about. Teens are as deluded about the worth of their A level grades as they are about expecting to walk into a job paying 40 grand once they graduate with a second class degree in Media Studies.

With tuition fees set to be introduced next year, there was also plenty of pathetic wailing and melodrama after students learned that their seven A Levels at grade A was not enough to bag a place at their first choice university. No surprises there, the explanation is as well signposted as a multiple choice AS level biology exam.

Simply put, teens are being tutored to pass exams and form statistics and not to actually learn anything useful. Faced with a moronic smirking 6th former that has A* in several subjects or an overseas student with 3 solid International Baccalaureate passes, its a no brainer to go for the more gold standard qualification that actually involves hard work and passing an exam which means something tangible in the real world.


German French alliance heralds dawn of new European overlords

Thursday 18 August 2011 @ 3:57 pm

With markets in freefall this week whilst European dikats devise ever more destructive ways to saddle everyone with even more debt, Nicolas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel have hatched a fiendish plan to secure more power by imposing Europe wide taxes for bailing out struggling tinpot economies. The idea is that the risk is spread across everyone in the shitty Eurozone thus ensuring that ordinary taxpayers are liable shell out for bust lazy economies like Greece and Ireland thus allowing the bottomless Euro cesspit fund to be wasted on other pointless schemes to prop up the despised European project.

Power crazed lunatics Sarkozy and Merkel both desperately want to realise a dream of a pan-European wide economic policy with harmonised taxes levied across all member states. And guess which country would end up paying out the most in this harebrained scheme? Yep, dear old Blighty.

As one of the world’s key markets for FX transactions, London would be hit hardest and forced to pay out billions that would threaten its position as a global financial centre. Of course, France and Germany have long envied the Capital for generating the kind of wealth they can only dream of and will do whatever it takes to clip our wings so this is a deliberate ploy by them to grab as much of our meagre cash as possible whilst our Government turns a blind eye.

The whole rotten corrupt Euro project is determined to ram through any changes necessary to save the piece-o-shit Euro. However, don’t expect David Cameron to stand up to this tyranny though, he’s too busy banging his new Liberal bed fellows and kowtowing to their demented ideologies that would much rather have had the UK sell out to Europe back in the 1980’s.


Ape uprising begins in London

Tuesday 9 August 2011 @ 3:43 pm

Never mind going to the cinema to watch the new Rise of the Planet of the Apes movie, there are enough mindless chimps running riot, looting, causing damage and wreaking havoc whilst showing a blatant disregard for law and authority in Hackney, Dalston, Tottenham, Enfield or any other number of trouble flashpoints.


Looters deserve tear gas, water cannon and plastic bullets

Monday 8 August 2011 @ 3:50 pm

No surprises to see that the liberal left clowns have started defending the looters, muggers, thieves, burglars, chav scum, wannabe gangsters, yobs, drug dealers and thugs responsible for the riots breaking out across London. The Guardian reading twits have wasted no time in whining about police brutality and tactics as the major contributing factor to the escalation of violence.

Personally, I think a bit of police brutality is exactly what’s needed instead of the wishy-washy Met that seems to be more concerned with being politically correct than it does policing the mean streets of London. You can thank Labour for this mess through a toxic combination of increasing paperwork and bureaucracy for even the most minor of offences, diverting vital funds away to pet projects like diversity and cultural awareness in the force and appointing successive patsy Met Commissioners like Sir Ian Blair who insisted proper police work involved holding picnics for gippos and ignoring petty crime in favour of "reaching out" to the community.

Critics have demanded that the police take back control of the streets but then bleat about the use of tear gas, plastic bullets and water cannon. How exactly do you expect the rozzer’s to claim the streets back without swift and rapid law enforcement? I say screw the bloody critics, get armed police on the case and then just watch how quickly these feckless rioters scarper back to their ghetto’s and sink estates. Furthermore, enforce a curfew and then shoot any looters on sight. No ifs, no buts, just zero tolerance of any trouble making scum who think they own the streets. Anyone who gets caught should be locked up for a minimum of 5 years.

As for the feckless dickhead who sparked off all the riots, Mark Duggan was a gun carrying drug dealer who fully deserved to get shot by the police.