Olympics ticketing turns into a farce

Only in the UK would something as simple as selling tickets to a sporting event turn out to be the kind of farcical mindless bureaucratic mess that has made Britain a laughing stock the world over.

With the wretched Olympics just 12 months away, tickets for this waste-of-time-space-and-money spectacle went on sale to the UK taxpayer some months ago. Only they didn’t. Any gullible fools interested had to register their preferences for the events in advance and then submit their application (why on earth does the Olympics need an "application" process to buy tickets?) along with credit card details. Once the closing date had been reached, monies were taken "in advance", the application process was closed and the impartial ticketing process could begin in earnest.

In the first round, all the applications were tipped into a cement mixer, 50% were chucked away and the rest were fed to a group of free range hens. Whenever an egg was laid on the first Tuesday of every second week, it was measured, colour coded and cross referenced against an aggregated weight-adjusted sliding scale for the distribution of roof tiles.

Each egg was then cracked into a bowl along with a pinch of salt and pepper to offset the daily price of wheat commodities. Once in the pan, if it took approximately 1 minute 38 seconds to cook a perfect omelette, the taxpayer was given their full allocation of tickets. Any more and the allocation of tickets progressively decreased with each 5 second interval unless butter was added in which case the interval was stepped every 2 seconds after the 3rd minute.

All fair and transparent in every way, I’m sure everyone would agree.

However, thousands of people haven’t been allocated any of the tickets they applied for whilst all the popular events seem to have been ring fenced for corporate hospitality and Olympics cronies. And if you were (un)lucky enough to get fleeced for tickets, you’re unable to sell them for more than the face value.

Why? They’re my bloody tickets and I should be able to do whatever the hell I want with them. In the meantime however, the rest of the world can mock our incompetence and form an orderly queue at their local travel agent where plenty of Olympics tickets for the top events are freely available on a first come first served basis, exactly how they should have been in Rip-Off Britain.

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