Mario Kart Wii is (not so) great

I hate Mario Kart Wii on the um … Wii

Actually, that’s not entirely true but it annoys the hell out of me, this is by far and away the most frustrating and messed up version of Mario Kart yet with grossly unfair AI. There are just too many things that are wrong with the game as a Mario Kart title:

1. How many times have you been comfortably in the lead only for a blue shell to appear, blow you up and then have several computer karts whizz past that just a moment ago were half a lap behind? And what about all those finish line travesty’s where a red shell suddenly appears out of thin air just as you’re starting the victory dance to snatch away a gold star finish?

2. This is a karting game, not a bike game. It is a well known fact that bikes suck and have no place in any Mario Kart game. There is absolutely no need for these rubbish motors with their weedy engines and cheap wheelie boosts, keep them at the Blue Oyster Bar where they belong.

3. On the whole, the new courses suck harder than a Dyson on steroids. Take Bowser’s Castle for example, not only do you have to contend with wobbly floors but there’s also comets, Thwomps, rotating fire hazards, mini volcanoes and that stupid trick board thing to get across jumps. There’s far too much going on to enjoy the pure karting experience.

4. The new items suck and there’s now far too many. The POW is about as useful as a wasp at a picnic and that other new weapon with the cloud that speeds you up is as stupid as the runner up in a village idiot contest. There are now so many weapons that pure racing ability has been shoved to one side in favour of cheap shots using items.

5. The new rosta of karts sucks. That is to say, what little karts we’ve been given, I mean 5 karts per character shared among the same weight class FFS! Mario Kart DS had no less than 32 different karts, each with their own subtle tweaks that really made a difference on the track.

6. The optimum number of opponents is 10, not 12. With a dozen drivers there’s far too much congestion unless you get out in front and then you’re at the mercy of 11 other computer controlled characters pulling cheap shots as fast as they can scam the best weapons from the item boxes.

7. The new trick boost thing is rubbish. I don’t want to have to drive up the side of a ramp like a brainless snowboarder to pull a few shoddy tricks, this is a game about racing not showboating dammit!

8. The new characters are about as welcome as a fat bloke on a sinking canoe. Whilst Boo and Rosalina and a few others are fine, I’m sure Nintendo could have come up with some better characters than baby versions of the existing drivers. That’s just being lazy and EA have that market all sewn up.

 

Mario Kart DS is still the best version I reckon. Now then, time to have just one last go on those damn bikes …

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