Random Annoyances: Lettuce

Wednesday 20 September 2017 @ 9:35 pm

I’ve never had *any* food that was considerably improved by the addition of lettuce. Let’s be honest, it serves no useful purpose other than a snack for rabbits and tortoises and a minor distraction for fat people who think nibbling lettuce will make them thin.

Take the humble cheese salad sandwich. Lettuce, cheese, cucumber and tomato with a dressing if you buy it from Waitrose. Ditch the tasteless soggy lettuce and you’re left with … a tasty sandwich. Then there’s the egg salad sandwich. Remove any one of the fillers, apart from lettuce, and the sandwich is about as appealing as a kick in the balls.

That’s not to say it doesn’t have it’s place. Chop it up finely so it can’t be tasted and add it to a salad to bulk it up, which is pretty much what everyone else does.

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Mini Movie Review: Wonder Woman (2017)

Monday 28 August 2017 @ 10:33 pm

Amazon princess Diana leaves her tranquil island of Themyscira, home of the Amazonian race of warrior women created by Zeus, and joins US pilot and Allied spy, Steve Trevor, to fight against the Germans who are developing a lethal type gas to win the war. Diana believes that only she can bring an end to the war by finding and killing Ares, the God of War, who despises mankind and is intent on wiping them out for good.

In short, there are four things wrong with this movie.

Firstly, Gal Gadot is too sexy and comes across as a little dim naive. She’s hot, beautiful, has a body built for sin the catwalk but, as a kick-ass warrior princess, about as believable as a lingerie model advertising burgers. This isn’t a criticism of Gal, I like her lots, but she just doesn’t have the build for this part and is the type of woman who could turn you on whilst wearing a bin liner and a gas mask. The coy glances and seductive smiles peppered throughout the movie don’t help and neither does the sexy foreign accent. I’m not saying a woman can’t be sexy and aggressive (Linda Fiorentino nailed it in The Last Seduction) but Gal Gadot was so much stronger and intelligent in Batman v Superman.

Secondly, Diana’s weapons are all pretty lame; a lasso of truth which is as naff as it sounds; a pair of gauntlets which can deflect all manner of bullets conveniently fired at head height; a standard issue super hero shield which Captain America won’t be losing any sleep over; and an elaborate sword that looks similar to 100 other fancy pants swords you might have seen in the 1960’s Sinbad movies. Granted, her abilities are super cool and the fighting scenes are awesome when Diana gets to kick ass but these are all too fleeting and brief.

Thirdly, Chris Pine as Steve Trevor comes across as a typical smug know-it-all American and is horribly miscast. The last time such a hackneyed clichéd version of a smarmy US Air Pilot was on-screen, he was feeling the need for speed and playing volleyball on a beach with a bunch of other guys pretending to be straight. A drop dead gorgeous Amazonian warrior princess and a male model look-alike pilot in World War I? I don’t buy it.

Lastly, the movie is too long and the fundamental issue of love conquering everything is a proper cop out. I actually groaned out loud when I heard some of the atrocious dialogue. Gal deserves better than this.

Another way of looking at this film is that the Wonder Woman portrayed in Batman v Superman is a hundred times more entertaining in less than a quarter of the on-screen than the full 2+ hours of this movie. I mentioned in a previous blog that the DC Universe is no match for Marvel and on the basis of this flick, nothing’s changed. Roll on the next Batman movie.

Score: 2/5


Random Annoyances: Laces that don’t untie

Monday 12 June 2017 @ 9:33 pm

After a hard days work dealing with inane “Business Consultants”, marketing spivs, useless HR bean counters or even chopping wood, one thing guaranteed to annoy once home is when you bend down to take off your shoes, pull the lace and have it end up in a huge messy knot with said shoe still tethered to your foot that takes another 5 minutes to untangle.

I really don’t know why this happens but it’s bloody annoying and seems to be something to do with the force used to pull the lace. A quick tug(!) and a knot is 95% certain. A slow pull(!) and the shoe is more likely to come off.

The simple answer is a pair of scissors or footwear without laces which is all fine and well if you’re a hippy and shower every other month but for the rest of us in the real (corporate) world, turning up to the office in flip-flops and a greasy goatee means a relocation to the front door.

That leaves just one alternative which is to pull off the shoe without untying the laces but this doesn’t solve the problem because the next day when you want to put them back on again, you still have to untie the damn lace. Which will inevitably knot.

There is only one viable solution. Power Laces. Back To The Future style. Bring it on.


Deluded idiots vote in French Poodle

Monday 8 May 2017 @ 3:18 pm

The election results are in and Macron is the new French Poodle French President. This clueless Euro loving fool was previously appointed Economic Minister by Hollande back in 2014. French unemployment figures have remained largely above 10% since Macron was appointed which just goes to show that his so called “business friendly” policies are about as useful as a garlic flavoured mouthwash. Still, that’s par for the course when you have a Socialist government so the French can’t complain, they voted him in and are too busy shrugging and holding strikes.

More disturbing is the fact that Macron used to work for Rothschild so you now have a major Head of State with a CV that includes several years working in a sinister firm notorious with pushing a ruthless blood sucking globalist agenda for the New World Order. No surprise that Macron loves the EU, he is the perfect stooge to carry out the globalist orders and no doubt part of the formal ceremony will involve him nipping down to Berlin to get a pat on the head from Ma Merkel.


New Top Gear rocks

Sunday 12 March 2017 @ 10:49 pm

It’s official; Top Gear without Chris Evans is so much better, the difference is night and day. Sure the banter between Matt, Chris and Rory is a little forced and you can see the scripting from space but give it time. The Star in a Reasonably Fast Car slot is a nice angle and Rory Reid is much less annoying than before. I think being co-presenter has reigned in some of the Cockney Geezer act and it suits him far more to have a couple of other blokes to share the screen with.

Matt’s relaxed style of presenting means that it’s up to Chris to fill the role of enthusiastic car geek with Rory as the everyday guy who just likes cars. No sign of Eddie Jordan but he’s not missed and Sabine seems to have been given the heave-ho too.

The road trip with cars that had a million miles on the clock was a fine start and the sofa chit chat wasn’t half bad either, especially the bit about continuity errors in the film Ronin.

With a little polish and a few tweaks, I reckon new Top Gear will really work. Well done lads, genuinely looking forward to the rest of the series.


Mamma May confirms Brexit

Tuesday 17 January 2017 @ 11:22 pm

PM Theresa May has finally unveiled her 12 point Brexit plan in a major speech earlier today. About bloody time too.

On paper it all looks good; Brexit means Brexit; no stupid half-in half-out deal; controlling immigration; fuck the EU courts and their rulings; and a threat that the EU will be crushed if they try to screw us over on trade deals.

Here’s what I don’t get; why the fuck does all this need to be approved by Parliament and the Lords? Most of these bastards are diehard re-moaners who are desperately trying to stop Brexit. No surprise then that dickhead LibDumb leader (of 9 MP’s natch which is 9 too many) Tim Farron popped up like a boil to declare a “theft of democracy” by the 17+ million and 52% who voted in favour of Brexit. Yeah, ok Timster, why don’t you feck off back to whatever hippy commune voted you in and have another plate of mung beans.

Meanwhile, faggoty Europhile Peter Mandelslime was doing the rounds on TV bleating some nonsense about how there is no “clicky finger solution” and why Britain’s future lies with open borders, free movement (presumably so he has a ready supply of cheap rent boys) and ever more money shovelled into the EU cesspit. This is the same Mandelslime who resigned twice in disgrace from Government and then promptly buggered off (literally) to Brussels to become an EU Commissioner. You can always rely on the EU to give a prominent gold plated meal ticket + index linked inflation proof pension to failed politicians and has-beens which is why so many are in favour of it.

Following May’s speech, the pound has already shot up against the major currencies so the markets look optimistic. Ma May has said Brexit will be triggered before March-end this year and frankly, the sooner the better.


The ridiculous popularity of YouTube gamers

Friday 23 December 2016 @ 10:45 pm

Here’s something I really don’t get; the ridiculous popularity of YouTubers with millions of subscribers who will happily sit for hours watching them play a video game that they likely already own. Back in the 80’s, the very worst part of video gaming, apart from having to wait for the tape deck to load the game, was having to sit and watch someone else play and not getting a turn.

The whole social media thing is a complete crock of crap. I don’t do FarceBook, Twatter, InstaCack, SnapShite or any other number of pointless social media platforms simply because I can’t imagine anyone would be the least bit interested in me and I’m certainly not interested in other peoples mindless ramblings (DISCLAIMER: I realise the irony of posting this on a blog).

Why on earth do these self-important cretins think that anyone would actually be absorbed by what they had for lunch or what they’re wearing or who they saw? Almost every post seems to comprise not-so-subtle product placements, stupid pictures of everyday mundane objects or airbrushed photos of people pretending they have a wonderful life filled with copious amounts of hot sex. And it’s not just people either, companies are increasingly using Twitter for customer service which means more and more people think they should kick up a fuss and tell the World + Dog about it just to get satisfaction. Net result? Everyone wants to be a zelebrity with their 15 minutes of fame and shortcut to easy riches.

Those famous celebrities, who are famous for nothing except being a celebrity, or releasing an “accidental” sex tap, are to blame. Social Media is now filled with nobody’s who want to be a pointless somebody, namely the latest footballer flashing their gold plated Lambo complete with hookers in the passenger seat or the identikit Instagram models who seem to do nothing all day except swan around the world at the behest of rich horny geriatrics. Is this really what we want our children to aspire to?

Oh for the days when life was much simpler, we didn’t have all of this social media BS and gaming meant a shelf full of £9.99 tapes, a cassette deck and actually enjoying playing video games with your mates.